Days turn to months

Today marks 150 days, 5 months.

Ah, sleep

Amazing how one’s mental state is better after sleep. Took an ambien last night and slept fairly well. Woke up with a headache, so decided to sleep more. Been sleeping on and off thus far today which has been good. Starting to accept that things need to change and that I should not go back to back to being in an unsafe environment. Head is starting to clear and realize how bad things did indeed get and that there are “options” for me which is nice, I just need to be able to accept the “options” and realize I can’t change my world overnight.

I also need to realize that I don’t need to rush into anything, that I need to take some time and figure out what is truly healthiest and safest for me.

Again, amazing that things are clearer when the body is rested and in a safe environment.

Will never be enough words to thank those that have helped me in this current speed bump of life.

Today marks 145 days. 35 more days to the 6 month mark.

Words

Tired.  Exhasted.  Irritatated.  Annoyed.  Peeved.  Angry.  Drained.  Shattered.  Beat.  Desolate.  Distraught.  Wounded.  Troubled.  Anxious.  Nervous.  Apprehensive.  Impatient.  Irked.  Miffed.  Depleted.

Sleep

I am not sure my body/mind understand that it is in a safe place and should allow itself to rest and sleep. I have been at TDMs for two nights and sleep is still not happening well. I figured the first night may not because well, it was a pretty bad week at my fathers house and I was wound pretty tight. Last night however I thought it would be different, yesterday was a good relaxing day in a safe place. I went to bed and was able to fall asleep… Woke up not long after from a pretty intense nightmare, which must have been bad when I was asleep because the bed when I woke up looked like people had been wrestling with the sheets all entangled. I was mostly awake for the next 5 hours. I did manage to fall back to sleep, but woke up from a similar nightmare and to have the bed looking the same. It’s frustrating because when I am here I do sleep really well. My body certainly needs sleep, that I do know.

Livestrong

862 days ago i put this on and have not taken it off since:

Many know or actually own a Livestrong bracelet. The bracelet that came to be because of a program intended to raise money for cancer research, raise cancer awareness, and encourage people to live life to the fullest.

862 days ago I took this bracelet off of my mom after she has passed and placed it on my wrist where it remains today. I had given it to my mom and she had worn it the last months of her life. This week I have noticed a tear in the silicone about a third of the way through. I am so incredibly fearful it will tear all the way and fall off, but I can’t bring myself to take it. Not that I physically need a reminder of my mom, not a day goes by that I don’t think of her… And this is simply a piece of silicone, but to me it seems to be so much more. Yes, I could go buy a new one, but that would not be the same. This is the one mom wore through the end of her battle with cancer. It is what I have worn everyday since she lost that battle. I am sort of at a loss as to what to do. For now I will be as gentle with it as possible and not fidget with it and hope that the tear does not get any bigger. I can’t seem to let this go.

PART 2:

I sent a friend what I had written who does not know about my blog.  She lost her mom to cancer almost a year ago and we share a lot of things in common although are 3,000 miles apart.  Here is what she wrote:
There are a few ways you could view this.. Obviously you have touched on a few of them already.
Do you remember wish bracelets? The string ones with a single bead and when it fell off, was lost, tore or disappeared… It meant that your wish was about to or had come true.
The tear may be your moms way of letting you know that it is time to let go (that may sound harsh but that was of course not how it was meant). She knows that you will never forget her, she knows she will forever be in your heart in your soul and in your mind. The piece which is so symbolic and that which you don’t want to let go of (the silicone bracelet and what it stands for) is a reminder of the hardest life lesson and struggle you ever had to endure… Watching your mom pass and knowing there was nothing you could do to take her pain away.
I would either… Put it away for safe keeping or wear it as you usually would without being ginger about it… Allow it to fall off and (if it happens and you see it, put it away. And if not, it was her way of letting go) go forward with life.
My words may resonate as what you may not want to hear… But I do of course understand…. My thought of the bracelet and being extremely careful with it is this…. The bracelet symbolizes life… Would your mom want you to be THAT careful in life? Watching every move and being paranoid? Or would she want you to go on with your day to day life… Living (maybe not with reckless abandon, but at least enjoying life and taking chances)
Any way you slice it… The bracelet, the views of what it means to you and only you… Is yours to do with as you please… Like life. You can either be guarded… Or be free.
Those, as crazy and straightforward as they are… Are my thoughts.
Please know… I do take lightly what the bracelet and the sentiment behind it signify… I get it… I do. I dont want you to think I dont.

What she wrote is what I NEEDED to see, not necessarily what I wanted to, but it was reality and she made some excellent points.  I do not know if I will continue to wear it until it falls off or if I will take it off and put it somewhere like in mom’s memory box.

Drained

I don’t know how other to explain how I “feel” other than drained.  My whole body feels tired and worn down. 

It has been a long week both physically and emotionally and I truly just want to sleep.  I received a text this morning from a friend after she asked how I was and I told her I was tired and had not been sleeping well and her response was “I worry that emotional distress and depressing environment can make you overtired and allow insomnia to ‘win’.  When you collapse at TDM’s for days – that is your body screaming for regular sleep.  Just a thought.”  Well I spent some time thinking about that thought and I do believe it is 100% accurate.  I do not sleep well in my father’s house… I cannot even call it ‘home’ anymore.

I came home Tuesday after a full day of work and then a 4 hour photo shoot and was completely wiped.  I went up to my room and noticed a tear in my sheets, I thought, ugh what the heck did I do, it was a slit right in the middle of the sheets, then I looked closer and realized it was not just a slit, it was a tear in the shape of a “J”.  While I do realize this could have just been a random tear in my sheets, I find it a bit odd that it would be shaped like that. 

Wednesday morning was the trip to my therapist.  She really does not like my brother.  It actually angers her to hear about things that go on with him, but hell, I pay her to listen right??!!  A good deal of the appointment however ended up being devoted to talking about the damage done to her home during the storm, not that I really minded talking about that as I was really just tired and didn’t know what all to say.

Last night my only goal was to go to bed early, I had a few late nights in a row and I was tired.  Well I fell asleep, but could not stay asleep.  Would sleep for about 30 minutes and then would be up for hours…. paranoid.  It went on all night.  Today I feel like I am literally dragging.  I am thinking perhaps I will do the 12.5mg of ambien and hope to sleep.  If that doesn’t work I will be a wreck tomorrow that is for sure as that dosage makes me groggy, but I am hoping if I take it by 6pm and actually sleep that would be a good thing. 

Back to the text from this morning, I do indeed sleep better when I am not at my father’s house.  I really need to work on getting out.  Both TDM’s have offered temporary housing as a solution, I just feel a bit “needy” by taking either up on it.

How can one person make you feel so poorly?

I guess I let him treat me this way, no matter how hard I try to stand up for myself.  No matter how I try to be strong, it ends the same way, me locked in my room, tears flowing, bruised.

Just got so worked up that I started throwing up… threw up even when there was nothing to throw up.  Threw up until it was blood coming out.  Anxiety meds aren’t strong enough for what goes on in my world on several days.

All I would really like to do is take some pain medication to take this pain away, that would help for the “now”, but do have that part of my brain that is working that knows that it will not help in the long run.

The quote that resonates over and over in my world is from Dante, “In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path.”  I need to find the right path and need to make a new start… but when can I do that?

 

Needed today

Today was certainly needed. Change of environment and in Bowie for the day and evening. Had a wonderful morning running errands and just hanging and relaxing with TDM. Much needed downtime and it was incredibly peaceful.

Went to Temple for a cookout and to watch the fireworks, certainly a hot day outside, but I did my best to stay hydrated, only a slight headache and am still drinking water as I get ready to lay down.

Today allowed me to feel at peace, only had one minor anxiety issue when I started thinking about returning home, but I quickly switched the gears in my head and went into overdrive to keep my hands busy and help wherever needed.

Much thanks to TDM and family for sharing their day with me.

Today is day 132.

End of birthday day

Again, start with the positive, lots of great Facebook messages and texts for my birthday. A nice card from dad with cash(our typical gift although it was more today so I could buy a camelbak for my 3-Day events.) A busy workday that made the time go quickly. Wonderful dinner with an amazing friend.

So now I sit and am in the midst of anxiety attack. Why do I let Joey’s behavior upset me so much. I came home from work walked in was given the finger and a “fuck you”. Blew that off at the time, went to dinner with Allison. Came home and my dad gave me the card from himself and handed me a card from Joey which read “You’re one year closer to finding out if there really is a god and heaven and angels and shit or if worms are going to slowly eat your decomposing ass while you rot in a box. Eeesh. Good luck with that”. Signed with just a J and had a dollar in it. I handed the dollar to my father as I broke out in tears and came upstairs. Yelled at his bedroom door that he is a fucking ass and barricaded myself in my room. If I wasn’t such a mess I would pack a bag and leave but I can’t stop crying. I am truly hurt.

And as poorly as I feel right now, I am more worried about my father. He does not often see the tears or anxiety attacks, I tend to hide those from him at all costs. Tonight I was unable to. Dad will be 74 next week, not in the best help, has a son whom he is worried about and now has both his kids at odds with each other. I can’t just shake off the way Joey treats me, but want my dad to be okay.