Archive | September, 2012

Two Roads

30 Sep

Robert Frost wrote “Two roads diverged in a yellow wood…” and while he took the one less traveled I seem to be staring at the two roads not knowing where to go…

LOST feeling today… Do not like feeling this way…

Wish I could pinpoint what is bothering me…

Mood swings are really severe the past few days, don’t think the new meds are working… I know it takes time for them to kick in, but at this point I don’t even know why I am bothering taking them.

Quote

26 Sep

“Work for a cause, not for applause. Live life to express, not to impress, don’t strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt.”

Days

25 Sep

24 days.

The words I was looking for…

20 Sep

In texting with a friend yesterday morning, I was at a loss for words as to what I was feeling emotionally… I could not find the right words.  She found them for me, they were “taken for granted”. 

I have recently felt this and have also felt a real disconnect in the “pink world”… to the point of questioning if I will participate next year at all physically in both SGK and Avon.  At this moment I am signed up to do 3 events next year and am thinking I may back out of all.  My hesitation is this, I made a promise to my mom that I would not give up until a cure was found.  I “think” I can keep this promise by continuing to fundraise and perhaps donating to complete strangers who are on this journey to help them reach their minimums.  So I would still be raising money, just would not physically participate.  I am not sure, it is currently an internal battle that is really eating at me more than I would like.  Recent events in the past few weeks have made me feel this way.  Some pretty petty stuff such as losing a tent mate and some bigger issues like donating at a fundraiser and money never going into an SGK account.  And then there is the donating myself to help others and not getting a “thank you”…. while I am not in this for the recognition, the words “thank you” can be pretty powerful and when not said can be just as powerful with the opposite effect.

I looked last night at all my donations as I keep track so that I know who to send my letter to at the end of the SGK season.  I have also tracked my friends who have donated to my teammates in lieu of me, as I believe they should get a thank you from me as well.  I have been fortunate with a lot of repeat donors who were very open to donating to a teammate instead of me.  I was wanting all my teammates to reach their minimums and when I reached mine, I shifted efforts to their accounts… felt that was the right thing to do.  My photography business donated almost $700 this year to teammates, that was from the month (okay maybe two months) of sales and photo shoots.

So my evening ended with texting with the same friend about my hesitations regarding what to do next year.  She shares my frustrations and my feelings of being taken for granted and feeling of being burned.  She may do a totally different event next year (one that I could not physically participate in), but I did tell her that if she did it, I would certainly help her fundraise for it, as the money still goes to breast cancer research, just not SGK or Avon. 

I just feel that my “pink” is fading, and I don’t like that feeling and don’t know how to snap out of it.

 

A mom moment

16 Sep

Friday afternoon I was driving to the beach as I was doing the ALS walk Saturday morning. Rehoboth is the beach we used to go to as a family when I was a kid. I don’t recall if we went every summer, but I do know we went several times to Rehoboth. It is also the last “great memory” with mom as I took her 3 years ago this month as she wanted to “see the ocean”… So as I was getting close to the beach I started to get more and more emotional. I had my iPod on shuffle and as I was a few miles away from the beach the song I used for my moms memorial service started to play… I immediately looked to the heavens and said “thanks mom”. It was also then that I passed a cemetery called gates to heaven. It was one of those, mom looking out for me moments.

Friday night I was walking along the boardwalk and passed by right where this photo was taken:

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I walked by the first time and just sort of glanced over in that direction, but as I turned around and started walking by again and passed it for the second time, I stopped, got emotional as I miss her everyday. I had been back to Rehoboth since she passed, but not spent time alone where I was able to really reflect. It was bitter sweet I would say.

Saturday morning I got up so I could go down to the beach to watch the sunrise and spend some time just reflecting. It was peaceful, this time of year the beach isn’t crowded with the summer people, so it was fairly quiet, listening to the waves crash and looking up to the sky waiting for the sun to peak out from behind the clouds, which it seemed to be having a hard time doing. It did eventually peak out, here is one of the shots I got of it:

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Wednesday was a good day

13 Sep

I found myself in a particularly good mood yesterday after I left work.  I ran an errand during lunch and ran into one of the board members for the organization I used to coach for.  He told me that even though I have been gone for 3 years I still get the most requests from parents and kids to be their coach (in case I happen to be coaching that year).  Even the younger ages who had older siblins I coached he said.  That was truly a “feel good” moment. 

The trip to the psychatrist went fine, got my meds adjusted again, but I am getting used to that.  Just trying to find the right combo I guess to help me feel mainstreamed. 

Sat and watched baseball with G for a bit last night instead of retreating straight to the guest room, so that also was good.

Got the remaining credit card accounts straightened out and the creditors agreed to take 70 cents on the dollar on 2 of them and 60 cents on the dollar on the 3rd one… so I am able to not press fraud charges against my brother.  I filled out the request online to take a loan from my 401K and that should hit my account in the next week or so and then I can pay off all the cards.  I selected to pay my 401K back over 48 months (the max) so that my payments would be as low as possible, although I do plan to try to pay it back faster once the dust settles and I figure out what my next step in life will be.

Where were you…

11 Sep

As today marks the 11th anniversary of the attacks of 9/11, I sit at my same desk that I did 11 years ago and reflect back on that Tuesday 11 years ago.  The world was left with so much uncertainty that day.  The realization that life could change in a matter of seconds became so real. 

A few weeks ago, Rabbi spoke about the most impactable events from his early years, his top 3 were:  John Lennon’s death, JFK’s assassination and Neil Armstrong walking on the moon.  Not all tragic, one was remarkable in fact.  As I listened to Rabbi that night, I begain to think about what were some of the most impactable events that have occured in my lifetime thus far, and here are a few that I came up with:

  • The attacks on 9/11/01
  • Space Shuttle Challenger disaster on 1/28/86
  • Oklahoma City Bombing 4/19/95
  • Columbine Shooting on 4/20/99
  • Virginia Tech Massacre on 4/16/07
  • Hurricane Katrina on 8/23/05 – 8/30/05
  • Death of Princess Diana on 8/31/97
  • Barack Obama being elected 11/4/08
  • Internet being brought into the homes via dialup
  • …and alas one of the most memorable events in my life personaly was the death of my mom on 3/4/10

While most of the above are “tragic” events, there have been positive events in my lifetime, unfortunatley, our minds revert to focusing and remembering the tragic events more vividly… unless of course you are married or a parent, and then events such as your wedding or the birth of your child are probably on the top of your memorable moments list. 

As I drove into work this morning, I listened to the following song, several times…

“Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning)” by Alan Jackson

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you in the yard with your wife and children
Or working on some stage in L.A.?
Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke
Risin’ against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger, in fear for your neighbor
Or did you just sit down and cry?

Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don’t know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below?
Did you burst out with pride for the red, white and blue
And the heroes who died just doin’ what they do?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at yourself and what really matters?

[Chorus:]
I’m just a singer of simple songs
I’m not a real political man
I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell
You the difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us
And the greatest is love

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?
Were you teaching a class full of innocent children
Or driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty ’cause you’re a survivor
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?

Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened
Close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset the first time in ages
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Or go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent old movie you’re watchin’
And turn on “I Love Lucy” reruns?

Did you go to a church and hold hands with some strangers
Did you stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home and cling tight to your family
Thank God you had somebody to love?

[Chorus x2]

And the greatest is love.
And the greatest is love.

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?