Archive | October, 2012

Milestone

31 Oct

60 days. Proud of myself and that is all that should matter.

Place

30 Oct

Sometimes I cannot find the words to express the feelings… this is one of thhose times. I simply post the following song that is somewhat relevant.

Bad anxiety

25 Oct

Not sure where to even begin with what has transpired in the last few days.  I have tried to throw myself more into work and when I get back to the house where I am staying I try to stay as busy as possible until my mind thinks it can settle down enough to fall asleep.  Idle time doesn’t sit well with me currently as I get too anxious if I just sit.  And talking about what is going on has been out of the question… I have bottled it up all week. 

I have had two incidents happen at work this week that have caused me to have to file claims through our ethics hotline.  On one of the incidents that has been going on for a while and I have mentioned it to our local HR person, it just kinda got pushed to the back burner and ignored and nothing was ever done and things got worse… That has to do with sexual harassment.  A co-worker heard some of what was being said and done when they walked by unexpectedly one morning earlier this week and later that day asked me if I was okay with what had been observed… I was not.  I can’t go into specifics as I am trying to block them from my mind.  So after a bad anxiety attack did report it through the ethics line.  I thought perhaps I was just being overly sensitive.  Given things that have happened in my past with men, as sad as it is to say, I guess sometimes I feel like since it keeps happening (not for some time now thankfully) that it is just the way things go. 

The second issue was involving my direct boss and him wanting me to change items in our system as a “work around” to not having to get the division president’s approval.  I sent him an email and copied two VP’s on it and blind copied the local HR person.  I stated that if he wanted this done in the future, that I would appreciate it if he would either do it or find someone else to do it as I believed it was unethical and didn’t want my name associated with it when corporate pulled the reports and saw who made the changes.  His response was that under his direction I was to make the changes.  I spoke with someone from the corporate office privately that night about it as I was still uneasy and they told me that I must file an ethics complaint, or it would certainly come back and could possibly cause me to lose my job for what I was doing.

On top of that stuff, work has been a bit “sketchy” for lack of a better word.  The divisions have split – Virginia / Maryland.  The boss told us that our department would remain a shared service as it did not make sense to split it.  My corporate contact told me yesterday through a text message that in the President’s meeting at corporate yesterday that it was decided that we were going to be seperated (although my boss swears that is not the case).  It is believed that two will go to Maryland and two will remain in Virginia.  Which leaves me.  His recommendation was to get my resume together as it isn’t certain they will keep my posistion at either.  While this causes much anxiety, I was glad that someone, even though they are at the corporate office, cares enough to give me that heads up.

Anxiety has been really bad this week for sure.  I am hoping to go to Temple tomorrow night, I need some peace.  I haven’t been able to go the last 3 weeks and I can notice a difference in myself from not being there.

Ending on a positive note, 54 days clean.

Currently on my heart…

17 Oct

Haven’t been typing feelings much.  Have tried to “talk” a little bit, but in some ways I feel like that doesn’t work. 

I have been experiencing some emotional roller coasters the past few weeks.  I have tried my best to be okay and to not retreat into silence; albeit it has been hard at times.  I have blindly but my heart out there a few times and regret doing so.  I allowed it and it was my fault.

I have seen and heard (not by trying) of people saying that I need to “put on my big girl panties” and get over myself.  While I wasn’t meant to know about what was said, it came from people who I love and it hurt.  I DO realize that I am 34 years old and I need to SUCK things up and figure my life out, I am TRYING.  For the first time in probably EVER I can say that I am trying to get my shit together.  I by no means think that I have had it worse than anyone else in this world, I do not feel that way.  There are a gazillion people that have it worse than I do.  I have had some speed bumps along the last 34 years and I am trying to move on. 

My heart aches this morning as last night I was “questioned” about the number of donations and the amount in the account of the TuTu Brother Bike Fund.  That because I was the only one with access, how did anyone know I wasn’t pocketing the money.  SERIOUSLY?  I was certainly hurt… and hurt big time.  I refused to just give access to this person as it does have my personal bank account information.  Rather this morning, I sent the login information to two people whom I trust so that if anyone cares to question again, I can just defer them to one of these two to double check what I have said.  All I was trying to do by setting the account up was to help two members of a family who have had to deal with more than anyone should… losing two parents in less than a year in itself is more than anyone should have to deal with.  Having their bikes stolen right before needing them to participate in Route Safety was more than they should have had to deal with.

Trying to keep my head up and just keep going, telling myself that people sometimes suck.  Telling myself that if I am okay with who I am that is all that matters, despite what others think/say.  I just need a few days of good sleep and I think my state of mind will improve.

Today marks 46 days drug free. Doing my best to keep that number rising. Really feel that someone that found out in August about my addiction issue has completely turned their back on me, and that has been hard to deal with, especially with who the person was in my life.

Clean

2 Oct

Still drug free. Hit first of my milestones, 30 days yesterday.