Archive | July, 2013

Ladder

16 Jul

It’s all about which rung you are most comfortable with on the ladder.

Back to the Basics

11 Jul

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately. Probably because I seem to do that a lot right around my birthday. I just turned 35 and I am trying to figure out what the next steps for my life should be.

It’s easy for me to spot ingenuity.

I know who my friends are. I know who my foes are. I know who the phonies are too. I don’t need to point any of those people out. They all know who they are and I’m fine with leaving it at that. In my recent reflective thoughts I’ve decided that, in the rest of my 30’s, I will spend more time making memories with the people I love…and the people who love ME!

In the rest of my 30’s my plan is to go back to basics. Some people aspire to be famous. Some work themselves silly for material things such as clothes, cars, expensive vacations, and other “things” and while I wouldn’t dare even dream to condemn the friends that I have for desiring those things; it’s just not for me. It’s not right, wrong, or indifferent. Let’s not get crazy. I’m not planning to live in a cardboard box.

I just want to focus on a more wholesome lifestyle.

Admittedly, I’m not quite sure what that looks like down to the minute detail but I see the bigger picture and I like it. I suppose the smaller details will come to me in time, with trial and error, the organic way. Yes, please!

I will say “no” more often.

I’ve already begun this trend and for those of you who know me, you’ll know that for me to say “no” is almost unheard of. The truth is I’m tired. I’ll warn you now. I’m going to start being that last minute RSVP friend. To tell you the truth, I don’t want to be expected to show up, help out, or plan/organize/execute anything. Note: That doesn’t mean I won’t do those things. I just don’t want to be expected. There’s a huge difference there.

I’m fixing what is broken.

Any one of you that has suffered any type of abuse (physical, mental, verbal, etc) can attest to this – it takes a really long fricken time to mend those wounds. Some may be self-inflicted and some may be brought on by some asshole. I’ve got to deal with both once and for all.

When I wake up I need to feel like my slate is clean.

I’ve spent too much time saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, reacting the wrong way, internalizing everything, self-medicating with food or pain medication, and beating myself up. I need to let that go. Easier said than done but it’s possible and I’ve got half a decade to peel back those layers and make myself whole again.

I’m incredibly blessed and I know it.

I’ve got a tremendous amount of good in my life. I know that. I’m blessed to have that. Nobody can take that away from me. I have my family, both the one I was raised with and the one I have created for myself. I have amazing friends who understand me on a level that I didn’t think possible (and in some cases understand me better than I understand myself). I have an amazing girlfriend who I have found makes me “FEEL”, and I don’t mean in the physical sense. I have my new found faith that I continue to learn about and to grow within.

This blog isn’t about me being emo.

This blog is about the epiphanies I have been having lately and I thought I’d put these thoughts out in writing instead of just being in my head. Back to my original thought; I want the remainder of my 30’s to be about Back to Basics. I will try new recipes. I will spend an entire weekend making all those cute things I pinned (they won’t come out the same as they look online but that’s not what’s important). I will keep my calendar clear and pop in for friends events if I’m free from laying around watching TV, having dates with my girlfriend, not doing crafts, not reading, etc.

This sounds like I’m leaving everyone behind.

Not at all. As I said before, I want my 30’s to be about making memories with people I love but in order for me to do that I need to be in a good place. I can’t be running around like a crazy person all the time anymore. I just won’t do it. And I also won’t be sheltering myself up by myself and refusing to get out into the world when I feel overwhelmed.

Quality over quantity.

So there ya have it! Clear as mud, right? I once dreaded getting older, turning 30 was a big one that I dreaded. Then, a beautiful young lady said that her only goal was to make it to 30 years old. She was battled stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Her name was Bridget and she passed away on April 4, 2013. July 16th would have been her 30th birthday. Nobody should ever pray to make it to such a young age. I have begun to realize I had wasted my 20’s and early 30’s, at 35, but I look back and see how much personal growth I’ve had the last 15 years, but mostly really the last 4. Between becoming a full time student, embarking on the ever-amazing and life changing 3-Day, taking care of my mom through her heroic battle with breast cancer and watching my friends find their place in this world (and in my heart). I have grown in so many ways. Everyone has taught me a valuable lesson (or two). Each of you matter to me in some way or another. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this.

* Parts of this were taken from a friend’s blog entry that struck so close to home that no words I could put would say things better. *

Its been days… weeks… months…

10 Jul

Okay, so it has been days… weeks… months since I have posted… but MORE IMPORTANTLY… it has been days, weeks, months since I quit masking myself with drugs. 312 days.

days clean