Jumbled

Thoughts are all jumbled in my head.  It’s been a while since I have tried to write to sort them out.  Just haven’t felt much up to it.

The past few days I have been feeling lousy physically.  Went to the doctor yesterday and was told I have acute bronchitis.  The only way I could describe how I was feeling was that it felt as though there was a tiny person swimming laps in my lungs.  I am not coughing a whole heck of a lot, hardly at all really… just feel as though my lungs are full of fluid and finding it difficult to breathe.  The inhaler gives some relief, so I am indeed thankful for that.

This past week something hit me pretty hard that was said my a Missouri Representative running for Senator.  This didn’t just hit me, it hit people pretty hard nationwide, I think we all have our own feelings as to it.  Here is the photo I posted on facebook of what was said (copied from a friend’s page):

I found it hard that anyone could possibly say the above; ESPECIALLY someone running for a senate seat.  Can there really be people in this world that think the above is true?  First of all, what is defined as “legitimate rape”… really?  Like there is a type of rape that is okay?!?!  Really?!?!  And let’s add the fact that the female body has ways to try to shut out pregnancy, really?!?!  Other than the morning after pill which isn’t a natural way of a body “shutting out pregnancy”.  I was raped, I became pregnant, I miscarried… is this his definition of “the female body shutting out pregnancy”.  I was ready to go ahead and have the child, wasn’t the “ideal” situation by any means, but I have my own feelings on abortion when it comes to my OWN body, I don’t believe I have the right to tell anyone else what they should do.  I was fortunate enough to be born to parents who were way too young and who could have easily decided to abort, but instead, gave me up for adoption, they gave me the right to live.  I would do the same for anything growing in my own body, regardless of how it came to be.  But back to Akin’s statement… he has admitted now that he “misspoke”.. well no shit jackass!!  He refuses to step down from the senate race, his right to do that… I just am having a hard time with the fact that he said what he did at all.  It brought back some painful memories for sure and made me question society and the fact that there may actually be people who think this way.

Am trying to get to the bottom of my financial drama.  Albeit, not as quickly as I think a few folks in my life that know about it would like.  I need to do things on my own time and do what I think is best for me, I spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of me, I spend a lot thinking that people are upset with me (when they truly are).  I can’t change how others view me, and yet it bothers me more than I could ever express both in writing or verbally.

My brother’s court date is on Tuesday.  I had thought I had decided to go ahead and go.  I got approved to take the day off work, I am however wavering back and forth as to whether or not to go.  I don’t know if this is just a “pre-trial” to set a trial date.  My father doesn’t seem to know either.  My brother is less than good about sharing information, is fine with taking money, but doesn’t seem to want to share what he has been told from his lawyer about what to expect, etc.

I saw my father this past week and he looks like he has aged 10 years in the past month.  That was extremely hard to see.  I am actually half blaming myself as I have not been there for him in the past month, did I make the right decision in leaving the house for a while?  Why is it when I start to try to take care of myself I end up feeling more and more guilty and confused.

Work has been a point of soreness of late.  I am really unhappy at the present with my job.  I have indicated to a member of the management team that I am interested in moving to a different department if possible.  There is a possible job opening coming up at the beginning of our fiscal year back in the marketing department where the focus would be on competitive market analysis, both something I enjoy and something I have done before.  Not sure the job will get approved in the budget, and I would also still have to apply for it, but if it is a way to stay with the company then I would be willing to do so for the present time so that I can finish my degree and not have to worry about a new job with a new company.

School is going REALLY slowly, I have zero motivation on that front.  I think partly because I am taking economics and it is really hard to focus on something that I am not drawn into.  Yes, it involves numbers, but the class entails writing 4 papers, something which I don’t necessarily enjoy doing, nor am I really good at.  I have finally ordered a copy of the textbook so I can physically have a copy instead of using the e-text on the computer, hopefully that will help me focus as it will be something physical right in front of me.

Temple last week was really good, this past week was okay as well.  I had sent the Rabbi a message indicating wanting to talk to him about what all was involved in converting to Judaism and to talk about the upcoming High Holy Days.  He said he would get back to me on Tuesday to schedule a time to get together, I still haven’t heard from him.  I kinda don’t want to reach out again… weird I know, but I put it out there and now I just feel it lingering.  Am I 100% sure that Judaism is for me, not sure.  What I do know is the peace I feel when I am at Temple or when I am listening to Josh Nelson music or other religious music is a peace that is really indescribable.

Like I said when I started writing, my thoughts are all incredibly jumbled.  As I sit here and type I have 0 motivation to be doing anything, I know partly because I physically do not feel well, and partly because I am depressed.

First few things to do I guess, get better physically, being able to breathe without feeling like a swimming pool in my chest would be good.  Also not caring what other people think of me would be a good accomplishment, but probably not one that is achievable unfortunately.

16 days as I start over

Therapy

The question proposed by my therapist today was “why do you let yourself be a victim?”. Caught me off guard, had no answer.

Her next thought, can I have your TDMs number so I can call her to tell her to beat the crap out of you? Um, no, but thanks for asking.

Mostly all stemming from not yet filing fraud charges on the credit cards. I’ve been in another world and just hoping to ignore life for a while. Don’t know how to begin to deal.

Ugh

Sometimes my feelings toward my family is a feeling that puts me in an indescribable place. All day I have had a feeling that I can only find the word “furious” to describe. I get on Facebook this morning and see a status update from my brother talking about his new iPad he got last night and then my phone rings and it’s my father. He called to tell me that joeys hospital bill from his overdose (day of arrest) came and had a zero balance and said Joey told him to tell me thanks as I had filled out all the paperwork for financial aid as he didn’t have insurance. He then went on to tell me about how much more he spent on the attorney for Joey and could I help. I then asked him where Joey got the iPad, he said he bought it for Joey the night before…. WTF!!!! By no means are my feelings ones of jealousy… I could give a crap that Joey has an iPad, I want something, I save and get it for myself. The ass hole hasn’t worked in over a year(except the few weeks at home depot). I paid his $700 car payment for 7 or 8 months until I was depleted. I bought him his computer for a job he was supposed to need it for (empty promise of being paid back). Paid twice to get his car out of towing lot after he parked illegally. When I was out, dad started making the car payments until June when he told Joey he could not do it anymore. Then Joey got arrested. Dad paid bail and is paying attorney fees. Let’s not forget the amount Joey took out in credit card debt in my name… So, why furious?? I work to support myself. I pay my bills. I pay my brothers bills (currently just paying off the computer I had put on my credit cad). Creditors started calling today about the cards I was not aware of, oh joy. Why is it that someone would need an $800+ iPad who is not working and can’t pay for it. I proposed the question to my father, what happens if something happens and I need money, his response, I’m all out, spent it on your brother.

So I know I have had a fair share of issues of late and so I have withdrawn myself from people…finding it harder to talk about things as I seem to sink further into depression. Easier to be there for others, but even that ability in me is slipping. I am struggling to make it thru days at work, I just want to sleep. I like to think I am still hopeful things will change, but I’m overwhelmed.

One Day by Maccabeats

Day

Drove to Baltimore today to fix a computer at one of our sales offices, got there and fixed that one and at the same time the computer monitor in the second office quit working so I had to drive to Columbia to pick up a new monitor at the office and then back to Baltimore. Longer day than I was hoping for a “day off”.

Worked on matting some photography tonight, that was ok, I need to get better at color matching prints to mats.

Made it thru the day medication free. So I can say day 1 is done (again). Not feeling the greatest the last 24 hours, heart doing that racing thing since last night. Freaked out a bit by it, but doctors were not too alarmed when it happened before so I guess it’s fine.

Very much enjoyed and needed last nights Shabbat service, will type more on that later.

Thoughts and prayers to family and friends who are dealing with so very much right now…

Need to get back

Need to get back on track. Day 0 again. Gonna look for a meeting to attend I think. Probably for the best. Need to work thru the thoughts in my head too. They are so jumbled.

00000000000

Back to ZERO.

Lost…

I am either sinking further and further into a state depression, or have mono.  All I want to do is sleep… I am teary eyed quite a bit and feel like talking to no one and just shutting the world out… so probably depression and not mono.

It’s weird to be feeling this way just days after returning from the HIGH of a the 3-Day in Boston.  The 3-Day is place where people understand how to treat others, where there is  a unstopping amount of hugs available, where you can sit and reflect and know that others know what you are going through. 

But back to reality and this week has been tougher than weeks past and I am trying to get a grasp as to why that is.  I came back from Boston and went back to TDM’s house.  My safe place.  But still not “my home”.  I don’t have a place I can call “home”.  And I think that is sinking further and further in.  I met with a loan officer today and right now can’t qualify to buy a home as my debt to income ratio is too high because of some debt incurred to help my brother months ago that I am having to pay.  Also have a collection notice on my credit report that has to do with a surgery I had, so I have some stuff to try to clean up on my credit report and some debt to pay off before I can qualify for a loan for a home; disappointing news. 

Also frustrated as I was told I can no longer work out of our Maryland office which was helping me tremendously with being able to work longer hours and actually get more done as it is so much quieter up there.  Don’t really know all the reasons behind why I can no longer do that, all I was told was that I was hired to work out of Virginia and that is where I need to work out of.  Frustrating in that half of my department gets to work out of that office, but we were all hired to work out of the “main” office which is Virginia, should be the same for everyone, but alas it is not. 

I am just feeling more and more lost… and just don’t know… just lost…