Archive | April, 2012

A bit bummed

30 Apr

Took what was supposed to be my final exam today for my Organizational Behavior and Leadership class. Missed it by one question. No real excuse for not doing well. Test taking has never been easy. Doesn’t matter if I know the material hands down I still “blank” at test time. Test anxiety. That may have been part of it, but I also didn’t know the material as well as I should have. So now I have to wait at least 14 days before taking the exam. Waiting for the school to reset it so I can schedule it. Have to give14 days notice and taking it on the 14th would be ideal as I am off work that day as I will be returning from the Philly Race fo the Cure late Sunday night. But alas the school has not reset it despite three requests thus far, so I continue to wait. Ugh.

Stress/anxiety level is pretty high today. I mean it’s not the end of the world that I didn’t pass, I was just looking forward to the month of may off school, but it wasn’t meant to be.

Headed to bed early tonight in hopes of sleeping.

Breathe

29 Apr

TDM gave me a necklace today that says:  “לנשום” which translates from Hebrew to English as “breathe”.  A good reminder.  And very much apprecited.

So, I “talked” tonight, or gave it an attempt at least.  Actually talking was helpful I think.  It made things more real.  By writing I could and can hide behind the paper (or screen).  Talking put it out there.  It was hard, but I am glad I said something to her.

Driving home I listened to the Josh Nelson project.  It was one that TDM recommended as I was searching for some music to help the peaceful feeling.  I didn’t find a song that I didn’t like on the album, and I got through almost the whole album on the way home.

I think one of my favorites was L’dor Vador, the lyrics are as follows:

We are gifts and we are blessings, we are history in song We are hope and we are healing, we are learning to be strong We are words and we are stories, we are pictures of the past We are carriers of wisdom, not the first and not the last

L’dor vador nagid godlecha

(From generation to generation, we will tell of Your greatness) L’dor vador… we protect this chain From generation to generation L’dor vador, these lips will praise Your name

Looking back on the journey that we carry in our heart From the shadow of the mountain to the waters that would part We are blessed and we are holy, we are children of Your way And the words that bring us meaning, we will have the strength to say

L’dor vador…

 

Weekend

29 Apr

Aside from the head pounding on and off yesterday, the weekend has gone as planned.  Studying, playing ball with the pup, petting the pups, studying, playing with the pups some more, studying, oh yeah and playing with the pups.

Managed to improve my preassessment score for my Fundamentals of Organazational Behavior and Leadership class by 14 points, improving in 5 out of 6 categories.  I feel good about that.  Still have studying to do before the final exam tomorrow at noon.  Hopeful to pass the final and not bomb it, because if I do indeed pass that means the month of May I am school free as I will not have time to begin another class before the semester ends on May 31st.  I could use the month to prep for next semester’s classes and try to “get ahead” instead of falling behind like I did this term.  I really need to try to get as many classes in the next term as I possibly can.  I am determined to finish my degree sooner than later, I really want the Bachelor’s and want to be able to move on career wise instead of this “stuck” feeling that I currently have.

Onto a different topic.  While I am still successful in counting days for my absence of drugs, and am proud of that, my other issue seems to have multiplied.  The cutting and scratching and picking to the point of bleeding has become worse… but is a stress reliever… albeit not healthy I know in the back of my head, not something I am having any luck conquering.  More antsy than usual, I know this is in part to the psych cutting back on my meds, I also think it is because I am realizing more and more what an unhealthy environment I am living in.  Also weighing on me heavily (no pun intended) is my weight.  I am starting to eat better, at least trying.  I have started walking in the evenings, not any huge amounts, but walking nonetheless.  The knee isn’t liking the extra weight nor the walking much, so it is hard.  I know it sounds like an excuse, but it is hard to work through the pain when I know that I cannot resort to the pain killers that actually take the pain away.  I meet with the orthopedic this week to determine if surgery is indeed the answer for my knee that sustained the brunt of my fall 4 weeks ago.  Will taking out the torn cartilage benefit me or will it not make a difference since there is so little cartilage in there anyways.

So a lot on my mind, apparently so much that my TDM said to me that this morning that she noticed I was being quiet.  Not used to having someone be able to read me like that.  So when she returns this afternoon perhaps we will talk.  For now, I will continue to study, and login to fix some issues at work that I just got emailed on.

Friday night

27 Apr

Went to Temple Solel tonight. Peace felt again… Greatest sense of peace thus far in my journey of learning and searching.

Rabbi played a you tube video of the Beatles song “When I’m 64” that was also the version from Yellow Submarine. He played it for many reasons, but the one that he spoke about that sticks out most is because 64 years ago this past Thursday Israel celebrated their 64th Independence Day (Yom Ha’atzmaut) the eve before was their Memorial Day (Yom HaZikaron). He spoke of the current state of Israel, it was enlightening to learn more.

I found myself singing along tonight to some of the music (even in Hebrew) as I was a bit more comfortable and knew a few of the words from hearing them last time.

The closing prayer was one that hit close to home and comforted me in a way that is hard to out into words right now, but the closing prayer was this:

There are stars up above, so far away we only see their light long, long after the star itself is gone. And so it is with people that we loved — their memories keep shining ever brightly though their time with us is done. But the stars that light up the darkest night, these are the lights that guide us. As we live our days, these are the ways we remember.

I go to bed now with a sense of peace. Tomorrow more studying and cuddling with two wonderful pups in a safe place.

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Nothing much

25 Apr

Nothing much today, same old stuff. big surprise, brother didn’t have his “first day” of work together. Just another lie on his part. Also didn’t go to the court house as he told my father and I last night he was going to do. I came home from a 10 hour work day to find him on the couch watching Alvin and the Chipmunks’ cartoons. The dryer was full of his clothes and had stopped. The washer was full and was stopped. I needed to do laundry for work clothes for tomorrow so I took my stuff down, restarted the dryer full of his stuff as it wasn’t dry. Took his stuff out of the washer and threw it on top of the washer and put my stuff in. When it was dine I threw his dry clothes in a basket and put my stuff in the dryer leaving his wet clean clothes in a pile on top of the wash. Normally I would have compassion and stick his stuff in the dryer or something but I am just burned out by him and don’t feel like doing anything for him. He is a slob, he leaves dishes all over the place, leaves food out, his bedroom smells horrible.

Enough bitching about things that won’t change (at least stop bitching for this entry about it).

Been cramming for my final exam I have on Monday for my leadership and behavioral analysis class. I gave three choices for dates of the exam, 2 of which were about 2 weeks off and my third choice was this Monday. Guess who got their third choice!?!?!?!? So much studying is necessary before Monday. Good news is I am off on Friday and will have a quiet place to study.

Still drug free, still unsuccessful on not cutting.

0.49 miles – 10:20 minutes – Sydney AND
0.54 miles – 9:01 minutes

Knee bugging me tonight so probably won’t go on a walk tomorrow to give it rest plus I’ll be driving to Maryland after work.

Therapy surfaces “stuff”

24 Apr

Had therapy this morning.  My therapist is really good about digging deep and making me think (her job, but she is good at it).  Today was mostly about the brother.  I have a lot of hurt, resentment, frustration, and a whole bunch of other emotions that I can’t verbalize about my brother.  The fact that he has not had a job (nor really looked for one) in over 9 months and “expects” my father and I to support him is part of that.  I can’t keep getting him out of jams and the longer this goes on the stronger my feelings get.  The only thing I pay now for him is his student loan and that is because they called me as the third-party he put in charge of his debt for the student loans.  I have tried to help him out in buying certain things from him like his furniture.  I also let him use my eBay account to sell some of his stuff (as his account was deactivated after screwing someone over).  He almost managed to screw up my eBay account and the only reason he didn’t succeed is that after he sold his stuff and failed to go to the post office to mail it I had to step in.

The latest development on the brother front came this week.  I was online looking at the Fairfax County Court System to make sure that a court case that I was involved in had indeed been dismissed (Inova Health Systems was suing me for non-payment, however, I had given their lawyer a copy of the cancelled check).  My case had indeed been dismissed.  Well my brother shows up right above me in the database as our first names are close enough.  He was being sued by his previous employer after he quit and a few of his clients had in turn cancelled their remodelling jobs.  Joey was supposed to counter-sue and had good reasons to, so the worse case scenario that could have come out was that the claims would have offset each other and each party would walk away not owing each other anything.  Joey’s court case was on April 16th.  I found it odd that he didn’t get up that morning.  He claimed that evening that his court case had been continued to another date.  I figured that was plausible and didn’t think twice about it.  HOWEVER, when I was looking at the court database, the case was ruled in favor of the Plaintiff due to the defendant not showing up.  REALLY?!?!?!?!  So no chance to counter-sue as that was the same date.  So, how much was the Plaintiff looking to collect from my brother… $20,000!!!  Yupp, that would be four zero’s after that two.  When I asked Joey about it at first he had nothing to say.  Then he said he was planning on filing bankruptcy and it just didn’t matter.  REALLY!?!??!?!?!  Who doesn’t even try?!?!?!  Does he think that filing bankruptcy is just going to “fix” everything in his life?!?!?  I know that because between my father and I he won’t lose his car if he files bankruptcy because his car payment has been kept current.  However, it has to remain being kept current.

He is so convinced that when my father sells the house that whatever my father makes on the house he is going to split it three ways… how cloudy can his mind be?  When my father sells the house he is going to need to put money towards another home/condo or use money to rent an apartment, whatever he decides to do.  My father had already told us that when he sold the house that if he could he would give us each 5 or 10K.  I thought that was extremely generous of my father, I don’t think he needs to give us anything, but he wants to do something for us while he is still alive.  But for my brother to think that he is going to come away from the sale of my father’s house with upwards of 75K is CRAZY!!

Ugh, I am so incredibly frustrated.  Between my TDM, therapist and a very special friend, I am beginning to realize and ACCEPT how really toxic the environment I am living in really is.  I need to figure this out and how to move past things.

61 days clean, 0 days cut free (wasn’t successful in stopping today)

0.55 miles walked in 10:15 minutes.  Took pup with me for her first “walk” since her surgery.

A new milestone

23 Apr

60 days ago I stopped taking prescription pain killers.  Today marks 60 days clean.  I won’t say it has been easy, I won’t say that I don’t think about using.  What I will say is that I have made it 60 DAYS and will CONTINUE on this drug free life.

I do have other demons that I must conquer that are also unhealthy, but I will take things one step at a time.   I do have other addictive behaviors that are not healthy.  Now that I have reached 60 days with this, tomorrow I will begin to conquer another one of those addictive behaviors and will hope that I can overcome it and continue to add on to my 60 day count drug free.  That addiction would be cutting.  I have finally admitted to myself that this has gotten out of control, something that I thought I had conquered years ago, but came back into play several months ago.  Tomorrow I begin my an attempt to stop.  As weird as it probably sounds to people, cutting actually relieves pain for me.

So I began with a positive note, I will end with a positive note.  Today I officially was changed to Arizona for my 3-Day walk from DC.  I will be WALKING in November in Phoenix.  I will still be crewing in Boston in July.  Now it is time to train and to fundraise.  I sent emails out tonight to family and friends asking for donations.  I did my first “official” training walk tonight.  It was only 1.07 miles and I completed it in 16:50 minutes.  While I know that is not a long or quick walk, it was definitley a start for me and I am proud of myself.  Despite the rain, I went out and walked.  I got off my ass and I walked.  Proud indeed.