12 Jul

I don’t know how other to explain how I “feel” other than drained.  My whole body feels tired and worn down. 

It has been a long week both physically and emotionally and I truly just want to sleep.  I received a text this morning from a friend after she asked how I was and I told her I was tired and had not been sleeping well and her response was “I worry that emotional distress and depressing environment can make you overtired and allow insomnia to ‘win’.  When you collapse at TDM’s for days – that is your body screaming for regular sleep.  Just a thought.”  Well I spent some time thinking about that thought and I do believe it is 100% accurate.  I do not sleep well in my father’s house… I cannot even call it ‘home’ anymore.

I came home Tuesday after a full day of work and then a 4 hour photo shoot and was completely wiped.  I went up to my room and noticed a tear in my sheets, I thought, ugh what the heck did I do, it was a slit right in the middle of the sheets, then I looked closer and realized it was not just a slit, it was a tear in the shape of a “J”.  While I do realize this could have just been a random tear in my sheets, I find it a bit odd that it would be shaped like that. 

Wednesday morning was the trip to my therapist.  She really does not like my brother.  It actually angers her to hear about things that go on with him, but hell, I pay her to listen right??!!  A good deal of the appointment however ended up being devoted to talking about the damage done to her home during the storm, not that I really minded talking about that as I was really just tired and didn’t know what all to say.

Last night my only goal was to go to bed early, I had a few late nights in a row and I was tired.  Well I fell asleep, but could not stay asleep.  Would sleep for about 30 minutes and then would be up for hours…. paranoid.  It went on all night.  Today I feel like I am literally dragging.  I am thinking perhaps I will do the 12.5mg of ambien and hope to sleep.  If that doesn’t work I will be a wreck tomorrow that is for sure as that dosage makes me groggy, but I am hoping if I take it by 6pm and actually sleep that would be a good thing. 

Back to the text from this morning, I do indeed sleep better when I am not at my father’s house.  I really need to work on getting out.  Both TDM’s have offered temporary housing as a solution, I just feel a bit “needy” by taking either up on it.

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