Archive | June, 2012

Realization

26 Jun

Truly have determined that there are people who do just take up space.  While I hope that I am not that type of person in my friends’ lives, I have determined that there are people in my life that do not care about me (selfish to say?).

 

Tuesday

26 Jun

Went first thing this morning to get “fasting” bloodwork. Then went to primary doctor. He felt it best to put on the 24 hour heart monitor so I am all wired up. Supposed to hit a button whenever I feel things aren’t right, have hit it a few times thus far. Also given a different antibiotic and a prescription strength cream for my leg, it looked worse today then yesterday, I am trying hard to leave it alone.

Spoke with Joey for the first time since he was arrested. Was charged with 2 felonies and 1 misdemeanor. Car still impounded which has his phone in it and computer. Dad went out today and got him one of those month to month phones so he had something.

Have another followup with doctor tomorrow and then hopefully back to work tomorrow afternoon.

Monday

25 Jun

After a quite relaxing weekend in a completely safe environment, today started a new week.

While I would like to say it was a regular day, it wasn’t quite. This morning my heart started racing on and off and I felt “weird” for lack of a better word. And then I took the bandage off my leg and realized it was looking worse and was burning. So I ended up in the ER from about 2:30 until 6:30ish. Doctor said that heart was beating extra beats out of rhythm but said it’s normal in some people. Leg is infected. Had a few lab tests come back abnormal but not by high margins. So tomorrow I go for blood work after fasting and I need to followup with primary doc to go on 24 hour heart monitor.

Dad took Joey to arraignment today. For some odd reason he doesn’t qualify for a court appointed attorney so he has to hire one. Not sure where that money will come from. His car is still impounded which in a way is a blessing as he can’t leave the house unless someone comes to get him.

I wish I thought my episode in the ER was a result of anxiety over Joey, but I wasn’t feeling anxious or at least not consciously.

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Stressed doesn’t seem to be the right word…

22 Jun

What a week!

Monday night was the joint fundraiser event at Lucia’s.  Had the biggest surprise when TDM walked in.  Completely didn’t see that one coming, put a huge smile on my face.  Was also blessed with a good turnout of friends and teammates, both in support of Komen and Avon.  The “hard part” of the evening was seeing my ex who came with another person…. made me pretty anxious, but made it through knowing that it was more money going towards a cure.  Wish I had been able to table hop a little more and talk to more people, but I did what I could and am so very thankful for those that came out.

Tuesday after work I headed to the doctor for a physical.  He is worried about how my leg looks from all the scratching and is going to talk to my psych about changing my meds as he things it is anxiety driven.  There is a slight infection that I have to watch and try to treat with topical ointment.  I have to go get a full set of lab work one morning, was planning on doing it this week, but was unable to.  After the appointment I went to Alexandria Hospital to photograph a newborn.  27 hours old, she is a cutie.  Had a good time doing one of the things I love most, photography.

Wednesday morning I was on my way to work.  Was beginning to get a sinking feeling as Joey had not been home nor heard from in about 5 days.  So I called Cindy (ex) since she works at Inova and asked her to do the “hospital check”, something she has done for me on more than one occasion.  She is able to check all 5 Inova hospitals to see if a patient is registered.  My heart sank when she said “I found him, he has been at Fairfax for at least a day”.  So I turned my car around and headed back home.  Told my dad that Joey was in the hospital.  Dad got pissed immediately and was convinced that it was drugs again (Joey had been to the hospital about 5-6 times after my mom’s death because of crystal meth).  I was pretty convinced as well, but was somehow hoping I was wrong.  I had to wait until the phone lines opened to call the hospital, finally got ahold of Joey at 7:30 and he said he was in the car and blacked out and woke up in the hospital and had no memory of what happened.  Around 9:30 I headed to the hospital and asked them to let me see him before visiting hours.  As soon as I saw him I knew it was a drug overdose, the number of IVs in him with flushing him out was an obvious sign (and the doctor also took me outside to tell me).  Doctor came back in around 11ish and told Joey he could be discharged as he didn’t see any reason to keep him.  So a while later the discharge nurse came in Joey signed the papers got dressed and we stood up to leave.  At that moment two police officers walked in and asked Joey if he knew why Arlington County had a warrant out for his arrest, Joey said no, but was also extremely calm like he knew it was coming (something I came to the conclusion of later after shock wore off).  So the Fairfax County police officers said they were not aware of what the warrant was for, but were under orders to arrest him and deliver him to Arlington County.  So right then they handcuffed Joey and walked him out of the hospital.  My brother, being arrested right in front of me.  I simply didn’t know what to do, I was in shock, I was hurt, I was a whole series of emotions that I cannot put words to.

I drove to a friend’s house and crashed there for a few hours that afternoon, unfortunately I was such an emotional wreck that I frightened her 14 year old son who was not sure what was going on with me.  He came over and gave me a hug, but I know I threw him for a loop, not something I ever want to do to anyone of my friends or their kids ever again.  Need to possibly just be by myself when I get that worked up.

Joey tried to call me that afternoon and I declined his phone call.  My father called me 10 minutes later and told me that Joey could post bond in the amount of $2,500.00 and be released into our custody.  My father asked if I would go with him to get Joey, I declined.  My father also asked me if I had been drinking, really?!?!?!  For those that know me, I rarely drink and if I do it is minimal.  My father said he was going to go bail Joey out.

I came home and crashed for a while.  By 7pm I could not get ahold of my father, he had left for Arlington around 3pm, so I was getting concerned.  Finally at 8:30pm I was able to get ahold of the booking office who told me Joey would be released soon, so at least at that point I knew where my dad was and that he was safe and so I went to bed.

Thursday morning came and I asked my father what they charged Joey with.  They charged him with a felony and a misdemeanor.  The felony was possession of a controlled substance with intent to sell (meth).   He has to appear in court on Monday afternoon to set a trial date and hopefully get a court appointed attorney since he really has no job and can’t afford an attorney.  I went to work for about 6 hours, but I was such an emotional wreck at that point that I needed to go home.  Thursday also happened to be mom’s 76th birthday.  A day no one in my family remembered but me, which really is fine.  I remembered, I held her close to my heart all day really much like any other day.  I came home from work at 2pm and crashed hard, took xanax and benadryl and slept hard.  To the point where two friends tried to reach me and couldn’t and were worried.  I never want anyone to be worked about me, but understand where they were coming from.

So the question now is, will I appear in court  with Joey on Monday.  I have told myself no, however there is a chance I will be called as a character witness, my issue with that is, it would not be in Joey’s best interest to have me as a character witness.

So much buzzing through my head this week.  From learning Joey was in the hospital and a deep fear he was not going to be okay physically, then to watch him be arrested and not really care.  And now for the last 2 days he has remained asleep on the couch.  He has no car, the police impounded it and there is no telling when they will release it, as far as my opinion they need to keep it until after court, Joey has no business going anywhere.  If he has a car I truly believe he will not show up for court Monday and my father will be out the bail money.

Stressed, yes.  Anxious, yes.  Angry, yes.  Drug free, yes 120 days.

Thanks TDM

20 Jun

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Lessons learned and learning…

16 Jun

Things I have learned over the past 114 days (and honestly starting a few months before that date) and continue to learn each moment:

  • Taking pain medication to feel “numb” is not the answer.  Feeling is something that has to be done, regardless of how hard it can be at times.
  • Cutting to relieve stress and anxiety is not the answer.  Leaving visible scars does not help the internal non-visible scars.  There are safer ways to relieve anxiety and stress
  • Opening up about the past is hard, but can be a good thing.  Continuing to internalize is not necessary always healthy.
  • Talking about the past can help in knowing that you are not alone and can help gain perspective.
  • Sometimes those that are closest can hurt you the most.
  • Trusting people with your heart is okay, as long as you do so with a little caution and know that the person you are trusting will never hurt you.  There are people in this world that will not hurt you and will be your friend regardless of what you tell them.
  • Having courage is important.  Having courage to change the present is important.  It is not easy, but it needs to be done and waiting is only causing more stress and anxiety and causing me to live in an unsafe environment.
  • True friends really do want to help and I need to learn that it is okay to let them.  It does not always have to be that feels that I need to help others, it is okay to raise my hand and say, yes, I do need help and thank you for your offer and YES I will take you up on it (those this refers to, you may be hearing from me and you know who you are).
  • We create our own family in some ways.  I believe there are levels of friendship.  I have different stages of friendship with people.  I have a select few that are more than friends, they truly have become my family.
  • I am the only one that can change my appearance.  I am unhappy with my weight, I need to change this.  I have begun, in the last few weeks the weight has begun to come off.  I have a long way to go, but I am ready for this journey and look forward to the outcome.
  • Going to school full time and working full time is taking it’s toll, but I CANNOT stop.  If all goes right I will be done May 31st of next year.  I truly do want to move back into the Accounting field and that is my plan once I receive my degree, especially if things remain the same at work as they are now.
  • Faith is important.
  • Photography makes me happy, I need to do more of this.  The peace and joy I feel from taking photos is unlike any other feeling.
  • It is okay to put myself first at times, do not always have to put others first.
  • I deserve to be happy, I really need to ingrain this into my head and start to believe it daily, not just at times.

114 days drug free, 22 days no cutting

Been a while…

13 Jun

Been a while since I have typed… Would like to say it’s because nothing has been going on… That isn’t quite the case. Just feeling that internalizing is safer.

I will however put the following down:

Today marks 111 days drug free and 19 days no cutting.