Archive | March, 2012

Fears creep up…

29 Mar

In helping a friend come up with a subject to write about for an english paper, one of the subjects that came up was about gun control. I was immediatley flashed with images as to why I don’t believe in guns, why I can’t stand them and why I will never hold one (never have, don’t plan to).

I try not to remember my childhood at certain parts. They are painful and I have suppressed them for so long that I am not even sure I remember a lot of it anymore. The one thing that I cannot get out of my head was watching my dad try to shoot himself in the head and making my brother and I watch that. I vividly remember sitting in the stairwell to the basement and looking through the 2 by 4 wood railings to my dad standing on the concrete of the basement with a gun to his head while my mom was upstairs screaming on the phone to 911. My dad would have been successful had the gun worked. He pulled the trigger many times from what I can remember. Each time I heard the trigger I closed my eyes. That is where my EXTREME fear of guns comes into play and why I don’t believe in them. I saw what one almost did to my own father.

While we do not have a gun in the house (to my knowledge), I get nervous that when my dad gets in a “mood” that he would try to do something like that again. He definitely has his “moods”. He goes through spurts where he gets so mad he throws things… sometimes at me if I am standing there… sometimes just across the room. This has gone on for as long as I can remember and still to this day. Don’t get me wrong, I love my father and I know everyone has mood swings.


26 Mar

A fellow 3-Day teammate recently sent me a message and the title was “random”… it said, “if you had not said something about being adopted I would have never known, are you sure your brother and you are not blood related and are you sure you are adopted, you all look alike”.  It by no means was taken more than just a laugh, the fact is, we do look alike, my brother and I have the same olive skin tone and same eye color.  Our skin color matches our adoptive mom and our eye color matches my adoptive father’s.

 My adoption is something I have really come to terms with over the years.  The only part that really truly still bothers me is having my records sealed and not being able to get medical history.  That and maybe the fact that I would like to have a photo of what my biological parents look like.  The hardest thing for me now is not having that medical history and knowing what runs in the family.  Everytime I get sick or don’t feel good my mind automatically goes to the worst thing possible as I don’t know if maybe something runs in the family.  When I felt the lump in my breast in August I surely did freak out.  While I don’t know if breast cancer runs in my biological family, I do know that I watched my adoptive mom go through it and so I was pretty scared.  I just did my 6 month follow up and there was no change which is a huge relief, I will continue to watch and followup as necessary to make sure it remains that way.  I guess my point is, it would be nice to have those sort of answers so that I didn’t have to play the what if game and so when doctors keep asking if it runs in the family I don’t have to continually say I don’t know, I am adopted.  I wish they would just write ADOPTED in big letters on the front of my file so they would stop asking!!!


23 Mar

Faith by definition is:

  •  Confidence or trust in a person or thing
  •  Believe that is not based on proof
  •  Believe in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion
  •  Believe in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.
  •  A system of religious belief
  •  The obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.
  •  The observance of this obligation; fidelity to one’s promise, oath, allegiance, etc.

Throughout different times in my life I have gone on this search of “faith”.  As a freshman in high school, I started going to a Disciples of Christ Church with a friend, I remained a part of that church until the age of 22 when a sermon was preached by a guest speaker who said, “the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality, the opposite of homosexuality is holiness”.  I had recently admitted to myself and to a few others that I was gay, hearing this sermon immediately left me feeling empty inside.  What I thought for the past 8 years of my faith went flying out the window as quickly as I went flying out the door to that church, never to return.  While looking back and hearing others accounts of that day and how far the church has come to becoming accepting of different lifestyles, it still leaves me empty inside.

My first real encounter with other religions came when I was a senior in high school.  I signed up for a Comparative Religion course.  Not because I was interested necessarily in the course, but more because the teacher was one that I had the prior 3 years of my high school life through history courses and since she refused to teach Government my senior year, I decided I would take this course to ensure I would have her as a teacher, one of the teachers that helped me through my high school years and I felt compelled to complete my high school years having one teacher in common all 4 years.  The course however proved to be quite enlightening.  While I thought of myself as a Christian since I was going to a Disciples of Christ Church, I also found myself questioning more and more and eager to learn about other religions.  The two that stuck out the most were Buddhism and Judaism.  I did well in the course as it turned out once it began I was so eager to learn that I did more research than was required by the course itself.

After leaving the church at 22, I didn’t feel the need to go searching for another faith or another church.  I was hurt and felt that nothing could undo that.  I was newly “out of the closet” and had lost several friends when I told them I was gay because they couldn’t accept that it was okay.  In their minds I was just going to burn in hell for even uttering the words that I was gay, let alone being in a relationship.  I lost what I had known to be my faith in a higher power.  I lived my life for the next 8 years and didn’t think much about religion; afterall how could I be gay and be religious… that was what I had thought, that is what I believed when others had said it to me.

At 30 my relationship of 7 years had started to go downhill, we began to grow apart, I began to feel the huge hole in my life, I felt that my belief in a higher power was indeed something that I needed, but didn’t know how to figure it out, didn’t know where to begin, I felt as I imagine a toddler feels before taking their first steps, is it really possible to move forward and go into the world and find a belief?  I decided to try a Christianity class at McLean Bible Church, while I found it to be enlightening as far as learning about religion went, I did not feel that it was something I could put my faith in.  That particular church was not accepting in homosexuality, I did know that before I went, but it offered that class and so I thought maybe I could just hide that part of me and be okay with it, but the fact was I didn’t want to lie to myself or to anyone else about who I was, who I am.

At the Washington Gay Pride events I would walk up and down to the exhibits and spend time speaking to the religious groups that were there, searching for an answer.  Searching for something that would just jump out at me.  I got information from a lot of different groups in the last few years of going, nothing really jumped out at me, still searching I guess.

My most recent studies have led me to Judiasm.  I have a few friends who are jewish, not one pushed me toward my studies, in fact, I was hesitant to tell anyone about my studies as I didn’t want to be swayed one way or another.  As judgemental as that sounds, I was afraid of someone squashing my studies by uttering anything negative, the way people had when I said I was gay.  I figured I would do my research, in time ask questions of safe people in my life that I know would not judge me no matter what and just see if it leads to finding a faith, finding a higher power to believe in.  I don’t know where this recent journey will lead me.  I hope that at least I will come out of this knowing more about a religion that I was curious about, in fact, I have already come out knowing that.  I have learned from my readings, from the few questions I have asked, I plan to continue to do my reading and learning about this religion, I believe one can’t ever learn enough.  While I do “hope” that it brings me to a faith, it may or may not be the faith for me, but at least I will come out of it a more intelligent individual.

Who am I?

23 Mar

Who am I?  A question I have been asking myself for years, but never have taken the time to sit and come up with an answer until now.
I am the writer.  The one who finds it much easier to communicate in the written form and is able to express ones self better on paper.  Some call that being an introvert, I call it being safe.
I am the athlete.  Or was until 10 knee surgeries.  Enjoying being good at something and striving to be better, sports was always my thing.
I am the softball coach who teaches your young ones how to play who have never played the game before.  Teaching them to love the game and teaching them that whether win or lose, as long as they have fun, it is well worth it!
I am the student.  Changing majors more often then I can remember.  Having the goal in mind of finishing my bachelor’s by the age of 35.  Bachelors in what is still up in the air, changing my mind every other day.
I am the bicyclist.  Riding and having the wind blow across my face and trying to take in all of the beauty in the world.  Being by myself, engulfed in my thoughts without any interruption other than the occasional car.
I am a person lost in their faith.  It is the piece I feel missing from my life that I am now searching to find.
I am the compassionate giver.  When seeing a troubled friend, I will do everything in my power to help them anyway I can.  It has been said that I tend to look after others better than I look after myself.
I am the handy-woman who enjoys fixing almost anything.  Enjoy building new things and taking things apart to see how they work and then being able to put them back together… anything that allows me to have tools in hand.
I am the confused lesbian.   Confused about how any person could judge another person because of their sexual orientation.  Sometimes confused if I truly feel I was born this way, or if it is because of the bad things that happened in the past.
I am the rainbow behind the clouds.  Only peaking out to show my true colors to those I completely trust and care about.
I am the photographer who dreams of doing photography professionally for a big time magazine or newspaper.  Being able to capture the moment through photography is amazing to me.  Having had a horrible day and just being able to pick up a camera to get out of a funk.
I am the one who holds things inside until my emotions explode and then share just enough to help me get through the explosion and then quickly bottle up the rest, not wanting to burden others with what is on my mind.
I am sure there is more to me then the mess I have written above…

Pink War

22 Mar
In the midst of a pink civil war. But, instead of guns and death, we are faced with hurtful words, conflicting stories, conflicting numbers, conflicting facts, misinformed people, uninformed people. And like the American Civil War, we are faced with family against family, friend against friend, sister against sister and believe it or not, still death.
My heart aches reading all the posts both for and against Komen and for and against Planned Parenthood.  It aches because I know what Komen does for women around the WORLD and around this country.  I know what Planned Parenthood does in this country.  I stand for both Komen for what they do to help women and Planned Parenthood for what they do to educate and help women.  But you know what?  My heart aches for something else.  Something that has been lost in this civil war.  The remembrance of what the fight against Breast Cancer is.  See the photo attached to this post?  This is a photo that will NEVER happen again.  This is what we have to remember.  This is the reason why we fight.  This is the reason why we must stand together… not apart.

Hello world!

21 Mar

Trying out something new… hope to be blogging regularly 🙂