14 Aug

Sometimes my feelings toward my family is a feeling that puts me in an indescribable place. All day I have had a feeling that I can only find the word “furious” to describe. I get on Facebook this morning and see a status update from my brother talking about his new iPad he got last night and then my phone rings and it’s my father. He called to tell me that joeys hospital bill from his overdose (day of arrest) came and had a zero balance and said Joey told him to tell me thanks as I had filled out all the paperwork for financial aid as he didn’t have insurance. He then went on to tell me about how much more he spent on the attorney for Joey and could I help. I then asked him where Joey got the iPad, he said he bought it for Joey the night before…. WTF!!!! By no means are my feelings ones of jealousy… I could give a crap that Joey has an iPad, I want something, I save and get it for myself. The ass hole hasn’t worked in over a year(except the few weeks at home depot). I paid his $700 car payment for 7 or 8 months until I was depleted. I bought him his computer for a job he was supposed to need it for (empty promise of being paid back). Paid twice to get his car out of towing lot after he parked illegally. When I was out, dad started making the car payments until June when he told Joey he could not do it anymore. Then Joey got arrested. Dad paid bail and is paying attorney fees. Let’s not forget the amount Joey took out in credit card debt in my name… So, why furious?? I work to support myself. I pay my bills. I pay my brothers bills (currently just paying off the computer I had put on my credit cad). Creditors started calling today about the cards I was not aware of, oh joy. Why is it that someone would need an $800+ iPad who is not working and can’t pay for it. I proposed the question to my father, what happens if something happens and I need money, his response, I’m all out, spent it on your brother.

So I know I have had a fair share of issues of late and so I have withdrawn myself from people…finding it harder to talk about things as I seem to sink further into depression. Easier to be there for others, but even that ability in me is slipping. I am struggling to make it thru days at work, I just want to sleep. I like to think I am still hopeful things will change, but I’m overwhelmed.

One Day by Maccabeats

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