Jumbled

26 Aug

Thoughts are all jumbled in my head.  It’s been a while since I have tried to write to sort them out.  Just haven’t felt much up to it.

The past few days I have been feeling lousy physically.  Went to the doctor yesterday and was told I have acute bronchitis.  The only way I could describe how I was feeling was that it felt as though there was a tiny person swimming laps in my lungs.  I am not coughing a whole heck of a lot, hardly at all really… just feel as though my lungs are full of fluid and finding it difficult to breathe.  The inhaler gives some relief, so I am indeed thankful for that.

This past week something hit me pretty hard that was said my a Missouri Representative running for Senator.  This didn’t just hit me, it hit people pretty hard nationwide, I think we all have our own feelings as to it.  Here is the photo I posted on facebook of what was said (copied from a friend’s page):

ImageI found it hard that anyone could possibly say the above; ESPECIALLY someone running for a senate seat.  Can there really be people in this world that think the above is true?  First of all, what is defined as “legitimate rape”… really?  Like there is a type of rape that is okay?!?!  Really?!?!  And let’s add the fact that the female body has ways to try to shut out pregnancy, really?!?!  Other than the morning after pill which isn’t a natural way of a body “shutting out pregnancy”.  I was raped, I became pregnant, I miscarried… is this his definition of “the female body shutting out pregnancy”.  I was ready to go ahead and have the child, wasn’t the “ideal” situation by any means, but I have my own feelings on abortion when it comes to my OWN body, I don’t believe I have the right to tell anyone else what they should do.  I was fortunate enough to be born to parents who were way too young and who could have easily decided to abort, but instead, gave me up for adoption, they gave me the right to live.  I would do the same for anything growing in my own body, regardless of how it came to be.  But back to Akin’s statement… he has admitted now that he “misspoke”.. well no shit jackass!!  He refuses to step down from the senate race, his right to do that… I just am having a hard time with the fact that he said what he did at all.  It brought back some painful memories for sure and made me question society and the fact that there may actually be people who think this way.

Am trying to get to the bottom of my financial drama.  Albeit, not as quickly as I think a few folks in my life that know about it would like.  I need to do things on my own time and do what I think is best for me, I spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of me, I spend a lot thinking that people are upset with me (when they truly are).  I can’t change how others view me, and yet it bothers me more than I could ever express both in writing or verbally.

My brother’s court date is on Tuesday.  I had thought I had decided to go ahead and go.  I got approved to take the day off work, I am however wavering back and forth as to whether or not to go.  I don’t know if this is just a “pre-trial” to set a trial date.  My father doesn’t seem to know either.  My brother is less than good about sharing information, is fine with taking money, but doesn’t seem to want to share what he has been told from his lawyer about what to expect, etc.

I saw my father this past week and he looks like he has aged 10 years in the past month.  That was extremely hard to see.  I am actually half blaming myself as I have not been there for him in the past month, did I make the right decision in leaving the house for a while?  Why is it when I start to try to take care of myself I end up feeling more and more guilty and confused.

Work has been a point of soreness of late.  I am really unhappy at the present with my job.  I have indicated to a member of the management team that I am interested in moving to a different department if possible.  There is a possible job opening coming up at the beginning of our fiscal year back in the marketing department where the focus would be on competitive market analysis, both something I enjoy and something I have done before.  Not sure the job will get approved in the budget, and I would also still have to apply for it, but if it is a way to stay with the company then I would be willing to do so for the present time so that I can finish my degree and not have to worry about a new job with a new company.

School is going REALLY slowly, I have zero motivation on that front.  I think partly because I am taking economics and it is really hard to focus on something that I am not drawn into.  Yes, it involves numbers, but the class entails writing 4 papers, something which I don’t necessarily enjoy doing, nor am I really good at.  I have finally ordered a copy of the textbook so I can physically have a copy instead of using the e-text on the computer, hopefully that will help me focus as it will be something physical right in front of me.

Temple last week was really good, this past week was okay as well.  I had sent the Rabbi a message indicating wanting to talk to him about what all was involved in converting to Judaism and to talk about the upcoming High Holy Days.  He said he would get back to me on Tuesday to schedule a time to get together, I still haven’t heard from him.  I kinda don’t want to reach out again… weird I know, but I put it out there and now I just feel it lingering.  Am I 100% sure that Judaism is for me, not sure.  What I do know is the peace I feel when I am at Temple or when I am listening to Josh Nelson music or other religious music is a peace that is really indescribable.

Like I said when I started writing, my thoughts are all incredibly jumbled.  As I sit here and type I have 0 motivation to be doing anything, I know partly because I physically do not feel well, and partly because I am depressed.

First few things to do I guess, get better physically, being able to breathe without feeling like a swimming pool in my chest would be good.  Also not caring what other people think of me would be a good accomplishment, but probably not one that is achievable unfortunately.

16 days as I start over

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