Conflicted and confused…

21 Feb

It’s been a week, perhaps I can try to type about what happened a week ago…

Last Wednesday night started off just fine, roommate and I had dinner and were just chilling on the couch. I was stretching my arm as my shoulder was killing me. He came over and started rubbing it, trying to work the kinks out of it. The massage escalated for both of us. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him. Unprotected sex. Hurt like hell (but that is just my body). Completely consensual.

Cried myself to sleep that night as I was in some pain, was (and am) very confused that I had just slept with a man. And the whole thought of I had just had unprotected sex. After much thought and tears Thursday morning I decided to go get Plan B (morning after pill). I NEVER in a million years would have ever believed I would have done such a thing. While I am pro-choice, for my own body I had always considered myself to be pro-life, I mean how could I not be when I was given the chance to live and given up for adoption. I just could not calm myself down about the possibility of becoming pregnant from this. For many reasons, one of which, I really did not enjoy having sex with a man. Don’t get me wrong, he is a nice guy, it was just something that happened in the heat of the moment that I do regret, but cannot undo.

Last night, he thought he would try to make a move and see what would happen… after several “no’s” he figured out it wasn’t going to happen. I can’t be mad at him for trying, although I did tell him last week that it was a one time thing and it could never happen again. While I would say it was flattering that someone would want me, I also know that he is a man and probably thinks about sex more often then not.

I remain conflicted and confused with myself over all of this…

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