Well then…

29 Nov

I haven’t felt much like writing or talking lately.  I did manage to meet and talk with Rabbi last week and was able to talk about things that have NEVER come out of my mouth or been written.  That was difficult, but he provided some feedback and thoughts and while it didn’t “settle” things in my head, it was a good start.  Most of them in regards to my mom.  One topic that we talked about that I feel comfortable repeating if not just for myself in getting it out is, he asked why I had not been to services of late, not the days I was out of town, but I had not been to services in several weeks that I had been in town.  I shared with him that while the Temple has really been the ONLY place of late that I have felt any sort of peace, I felt as though I was somehow not deserving of that feeling.  He asked me the following, was it okay that I was living my life and judging my own life at the same time, especially in regards to being negative on myself.  It came out of his mouth in a much better fashion than I am trying to write.  It hit me hard, but it was a good thing.  I went to Temple Friday night, it was peaceful, tearful, but peaceful.  I had a really emotional rollercoaster of a day Friday and could not seem to get my crying under control all day, even at Rabbi’s.

Here is some of what is on my mind currently that I can put down in writing:

I made it to 90 days.  A milestone for me, for others it may not be a big deal, for those, I don’t care.  I made it 90 days and in those 90 days also had an injury and was offered both by the ER and the orthopedic to be given pain medication, and to both I said, no thank you, I have had an addiction problem and would rather not take anything.  I also made it through being asked by two that had surgery to get them their pain meds while they were on the couch, and I was not hesitant in going and getting them for them and NOT even thinking about taking any myself.  Thought only crossed my mind about it at all later that night when I realized that I had accomplished something that previously I would never have been able to do.  Proud I am for this milestone… and the number will continue to climb.

Work has been less than pleasant as of late.  My direct boss and I really don’t get along.  Working with 4 men is difficult at times, especially with lack of respect and some of the inappropriate things they say during meetings, which is really uncomfortable and inappropriate.  But alas, I feel “stuck” at least for the moment.  I have requested from someone in the Columbia office to move to that division and switch departments.  I was told I needed to wait for the new Division President to start and for things to settle up there since our divisions just split in the last few months.  Well, the DP started yesterday, so I am just sitting back for now and waiting.  I did talk to the Virginia Division President and told him of the request I made so that he was not blindsided should something come up.  He is a nice man and I respect him and wanted to give him a heads up.  I did share with him that I was not comfortable talking to my own boss about what I wanted and he said he would keep it between us for now.  Which I am sure is difficult, as they used to work together and have a prior relationship, but I am allowing myself to trust that he will keep it between us.

School has become a focus again for me.  I passed my Econ final which allowed me to stay in school.  Of my 3 classes I was taking this term that is the only one I got through.  Western Governor’s has a policy that you have to pass at least one class in order to attend the next semester.  So I had a lot riding on that exam, but its done.  It puts me behind in finishing my degree, but it could have been worse, I could have had to take 6 months off and then reapply to school.  So my focus is now on working on school as much as possible.  My term doesn’t start until Saturday, December 1st, so there is nothing I can officially “submit” and I cannot schedule any exams, but I have been doing studying.  I took the preassessment for my finance class which is first up and scored pretty well on it.  Of the 7 sections, there are only 2 that I technically “failed”, which means those are the two sections I need to pay more attention to than the other 5 when going through the class.  That is the nice thing about the classes that are assessment classes is that you can take the preassessment up to 3 times prior to taking the final, so it helps to know what areas you need more help on than others.  The objective classes are those that involve paper writing and take more time.  Of the classes I have left, half are assessment and half are objective, so at least I have a good mix.

Lots of other stuff going through my head, but its still a bit too jumbled to write about.  So I will just end now.



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