Bad anxiety

25 Oct

Not sure where to even begin with what has transpired in the last few days.  I have tried to throw myself more into work and when I get back to the house where I am staying I try to stay as busy as possible until my mind thinks it can settle down enough to fall asleep.  Idle time doesn’t sit well with me currently as I get too anxious if I just sit.  And talking about what is going on has been out of the question… I have bottled it up all week. 

I have had two incidents happen at work this week that have caused me to have to file claims through our ethics hotline.  On one of the incidents that has been going on for a while and I have mentioned it to our local HR person, it just kinda got pushed to the back burner and ignored and nothing was ever done and things got worse… That has to do with sexual harassment.  A co-worker heard some of what was being said and done when they walked by unexpectedly one morning earlier this week and later that day asked me if I was okay with what had been observed… I was not.  I can’t go into specifics as I am trying to block them from my mind.  So after a bad anxiety attack did report it through the ethics line.  I thought perhaps I was just being overly sensitive.  Given things that have happened in my past with men, as sad as it is to say, I guess sometimes I feel like since it keeps happening (not for some time now thankfully) that it is just the way things go. 

The second issue was involving my direct boss and him wanting me to change items in our system as a “work around” to not having to get the division president’s approval.  I sent him an email and copied two VP’s on it and blind copied the local HR person.  I stated that if he wanted this done in the future, that I would appreciate it if he would either do it or find someone else to do it as I believed it was unethical and didn’t want my name associated with it when corporate pulled the reports and saw who made the changes.  His response was that under his direction I was to make the changes.  I spoke with someone from the corporate office privately that night about it as I was still uneasy and they told me that I must file an ethics complaint, or it would certainly come back and could possibly cause me to lose my job for what I was doing.

On top of that stuff, work has been a bit “sketchy” for lack of a better word.  The divisions have split – Virginia / Maryland.  The boss told us that our department would remain a shared service as it did not make sense to split it.  My corporate contact told me yesterday through a text message that in the President’s meeting at corporate yesterday that it was decided that we were going to be seperated (although my boss swears that is not the case).  It is believed that two will go to Maryland and two will remain in Virginia.  Which leaves me.  His recommendation was to get my resume together as it isn’t certain they will keep my posistion at either.  While this causes much anxiety, I was glad that someone, even though they are at the corporate office, cares enough to give me that heads up.

Anxiety has been really bad this week for sure.  I am hoping to go to Temple tomorrow night, I need some peace.  I haven’t been able to go the last 3 weeks and I can notice a difference in myself from not being there.

Ending on a positive note, 54 days clean.

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