Currently on my heart…

17 Oct

Haven’t been typing feelings much.  Have tried to “talk” a little bit, but in some ways I feel like that doesn’t work. 

I have been experiencing some emotional roller coasters the past few weeks.  I have tried my best to be okay and to not retreat into silence; albeit it has been hard at times.  I have blindly but my heart out there a few times and regret doing so.  I allowed it and it was my fault.

I have seen and heard (not by trying) of people saying that I need to “put on my big girl panties” and get over myself.  While I wasn’t meant to know about what was said, it came from people who I love and it hurt.  I DO realize that I am 34 years old and I need to SUCK things up and figure my life out, I am TRYING.  For the first time in probably EVER I can say that I am trying to get my shit together.  I by no means think that I have had it worse than anyone else in this world, I do not feel that way.  There are a gazillion people that have it worse than I do.  I have had some speed bumps along the last 34 years and I am trying to move on. 

My heart aches this morning as last night I was “questioned” about the number of donations and the amount in the account of the TuTu Brother Bike Fund.  That because I was the only one with access, how did anyone know I wasn’t pocketing the money.  SERIOUSLY?  I was certainly hurt… and hurt big time.  I refused to just give access to this person as it does have my personal bank account information.  Rather this morning, I sent the login information to two people whom I trust so that if anyone cares to question again, I can just defer them to one of these two to double check what I have said.  All I was trying to do by setting the account up was to help two members of a family who have had to deal with more than anyone should… losing two parents in less than a year in itself is more than anyone should have to deal with.  Having their bikes stolen right before needing them to participate in Route Safety was more than they should have had to deal with.

Trying to keep my head up and just keep going, telling myself that people sometimes suck.  Telling myself that if I am okay with who I am that is all that matters, despite what others think/say.  I just need a few days of good sleep and I think my state of mind will improve.

Today marks 46 days drug free. Doing my best to keep that number rising. Really feel that someone that found out in August about my addiction issue has completely turned their back on me, and that has been hard to deal with, especially with who the person was in my life.

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