The words I was looking for…

20 Sep

In texting with a friend yesterday morning, I was at a loss for words as to what I was feeling emotionally… I could not find the right words.  She found them for me, they were “taken for granted”. 

I have recently felt this and have also felt a real disconnect in the “pink world”… to the point of questioning if I will participate next year at all physically in both SGK and Avon.  At this moment I am signed up to do 3 events next year and am thinking I may back out of all.  My hesitation is this, I made a promise to my mom that I would not give up until a cure was found.  I “think” I can keep this promise by continuing to fundraise and perhaps donating to complete strangers who are on this journey to help them reach their minimums.  So I would still be raising money, just would not physically participate.  I am not sure, it is currently an internal battle that is really eating at me more than I would like.  Recent events in the past few weeks have made me feel this way.  Some pretty petty stuff such as losing a tent mate and some bigger issues like donating at a fundraiser and money never going into an SGK account.  And then there is the donating myself to help others and not getting a “thank you”…. while I am not in this for the recognition, the words “thank you” can be pretty powerful and when not said can be just as powerful with the opposite effect.

I looked last night at all my donations as I keep track so that I know who to send my letter to at the end of the SGK season.  I have also tracked my friends who have donated to my teammates in lieu of me, as I believe they should get a thank you from me as well.  I have been fortunate with a lot of repeat donors who were very open to donating to a teammate instead of me.  I was wanting all my teammates to reach their minimums and when I reached mine, I shifted efforts to their accounts… felt that was the right thing to do.  My photography business donated almost $700 this year to teammates, that was from the month (okay maybe two months) of sales and photo shoots.

So my evening ended with texting with the same friend about my hesitations regarding what to do next year.  She shares my frustrations and my feelings of being taken for granted and feeling of being burned.  She may do a totally different event next year (one that I could not physically participate in), but I did tell her that if she did it, I would certainly help her fundraise for it, as the money still goes to breast cancer research, just not SGK or Avon. 

I just feel that my “pink” is fading, and I don’t like that feeling and don’t know how to snap out of it.


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