Trying to get it out…

9 Sep

Been trying for a few days to find the words that consume both my heart and mind. They are not easily coming, the feelings I feel so deep down inside the last few days are ones that I have only been able to describe as overwhelming. I have shut those close out to a certain degree as I have not been able to “share”. I attended a fundraiser on Friday night and tried my best to smile act like nothing was wrong, I pulled that off fairly well (perhaps because most there I don’t see often and so it was easier to pull it off). Don’t get me wrong, I did indeed have a good time, it’s just that this week has not been one of the easiest on an emotional front.

Wednesday’s therapy appt was bad, Thursday consisted of my dad cursing at me and hanging up on me because he is frustrated at my brother, Thursday nights appt with the Rabbi went well, that indeed was a bonus. Friday at work was frustrating as I was handed a days worth of a project at 2:30 and was supposed to leave at 3 (which my boss knows just is doing whatever he can to push me out in hopes I quit). Saturday I learned of people who I thought were close friends being nice to me to my face, but talking poorly behind my back. While I know the adage “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me”, I honestly think that is a bunch of bullshit. Words hurt, actions hurt. I would like to say they were not intentional, but hell, they were against me, and yeah, that hurt… BAD.

I know that I have baggage, I know I have A LOT of baggage, it’s fine to walk out of my life, but don’t lie about why you don’t have time to talk, just be upfront with me and tell me you can’t deal. Don’t allow me to pour my heart out and then walk away and use avoidance as a way to deal, that doesn’t help, in fact it makes me want to never open up again.

So the other thing that has been weighing heavily on me is my “addict” status. I realize I will ALWAYS be known as an addict. Once and addict, always an addict, it just is that I am a “recovering addict”. I have told probably 6 people about my problem with medication. There are probably another 6-10 that know from others saying something to them. I am more than well aware that some people cannot deal with an addict, hell, I can’t deal with my brother’s addiction, that is probably more horrible of me to say than anything seeing as though I am one too. I know that some people have had addicts in their lives and therefore look at other addicts with hesitation as they have been through hell helping others thru their addictions. I also know that some people who themselves were/are addicts often cannot deal with another persons addiction. I have fallen off the recovery wagon several times, I keep getting back on. Never easier each time, but something I want to do. I want to hit those milestones of 7 days, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, 9 months, a year, SEVERAL years, the rest of my life. As of today I am 8 days clean. I haven’t taken a pill in a longer amount of time than that, but my “getting drunk” because I could not deal I feel pushed me back down and if I am going to get clean I need to be honest with myself and be able to say, hey that was a really fucked up thing to do and your count should start over. I wouldn’t expect anyone to tell me, yeah that was okay for you to get drunk (not that I was open and shared that with more than 2 people). I have reached out to a meeting this weekend, I think that will ultimately be helpful… I have learned by having the proverbial door slammed in my face, that it is probably best to not talk about my addiction. I feel like I can express that on here, my own blog, as there are maybe 2 people that actually read it of the 6 that have the address. And heck, if you are still reading it you probably do care and wouldn’t slam the door in my face, but do me a favor, if you would, don’t come back and keep reading this blog. This seems to be my only “safe” outlet right now, and while I could begin a new blog and not give anyone the address, the fact is, I have poured a lot of my heart out in this one and it is what it is.

I feel as though the wind is out of my sails. I did manage to get up this morning and go to the zoo and take photos, my main goal was to get the cheetah cubs, which I did indeed do. I came back to the house and had no interest in uploading the photos. The one I did post on Facebook, I actually took a photo of my camera screen with my iPhone so I could post “a” photo. But the rest sit untouched in my camera, with little interest, that is so not me. I don’t like that I have no desire, but I also don’t feel like there is a switch that I can just flip on and give myself more energy or whatever else you want to call it. I tried to lay down when I got back as I did not sleep at all last night, but as I laid down and tried to sleep my heart began doing the racing thing again. I am guessing its anxiety? I just laid there and watched tv on my iPad and tried to relax, unsuccessfully. I began writing this blog by sitting out on the screen porch, but even then I could not really relax. I was hoping by typing this I would get some relief, but as I start to unjumble things in my head, things seem to come to the surface by typing and I don’t know what the heck to do with the feelings. I’m not sure I have found a good way to “cope”. I would love to just go lay down and be able to go to sleep and sleep through until tomorrow morning, but I don’t think I can physically fall asleep… between the heart racing and the mind racing, I feel like I am jumping out of my skin. I could take another xanax, I have two more I can take today and stay within my script, but the other one hasn’t seemed to help yet.

At this point, I don’t know what else to say, I don’t know what else to type, I want this “feeling” to go away. I want to turn the corner. I want people to stop talking shit about me behind my back, I want, I want, I want, I want….

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