Turning Points

28 May

Last week was a bit rough at first.  Had things taken from my bedroom, some of which was pretty expensive.  Out of frustration, I had posted on my facebook page “Should not have to hide things……”.  One of my brother’s friends in a way to be semi serious and semi funny commented and said “He’s an addict. Just cut his hands off.”  Apparently that hit my brother, stuff was returned with a simple apology.  Nothing at length.  He then sent a text message the next day and had said he had sold his chaise lounge chair and that he would give me the money from that sale.  I simply replied with an okay.  The next text hours later said that perhaps he would need that to make his car payment since my father and I have both cut him off.  I simply replied with an okay again.  Turning point for him as I thought my stuff was gone for good.  Also a turning point in that he has appeared to go to work this past week 3 days (he called out one day).

Friday morning I was going to work out of our Columbia office as I wanted to be in Bowie to take photos of TDMs daughter for prom.  I was driving to Maryland and apparently my car and brain thought that going straight to Bowie was what I was supposed to do… force of habit!  After almost getting all the way to Bowie, I made my way to the Columbia office.  Worked for a few hours and then headed back to Bowie.

So what did I get to do Friday, something that ranks up there on things I am most compassionate about, photography.  As E got ready for prom I took photos of her getting her makeup and hair done.  Did the photos of the flower exchange between her and boyfriend.  Then off she went to a friend’s house to be with the rest of her party, we would follow an hour or so later to take more photos!

So in that hour, I was on the computer downloading some pictures, TDM was sitting on the floor next to me and we were just chatting.  The discussion of other things to do to keep my hands busy when I am anxious in lieu of cutting came up, she had some really good suggestions, and just listening and talking about the whole cutting thing, something started to click in my head about how incredibly stupid I am for doing what I was.  (TDM never called me stupid for doing what I was doing, she was simply helping in figuring out other things that I could be doing when feeling anxious).  I’ll get back to this in a little bit.

We then traveled to E’s friends to take group photos of the kids and their dates.  Feel like I got some good shots including a family shot.  Hard to go wrong when you are taking photos of an incredibly beautiful young lady.  Took over 600 photos, after deleting some ended with a little over 400.  I need to start not taking so many, but I am still learning and feel that for every 20 shots I may get 1 good one, I am starting to get a little better and a little more confident.

Then went to dinner with TDM and family minus E.  Nice time.  Then back to the house to download more photos.

So back to the “clicking in my head”… as I was taking photos the whole time in the back of my head I am thinking about what I am doing and how much I enjoy taking photos and get a “high” off of it.  Also in my head was how unwise I was starting to feel about the cutting.  The short conversation earlier with TDM about things to do in lieu of cutting played over and over in my head and I started to realize that this is not something I need to be doing.  I am working on myself and in doing so need to start stop doing stuff to harm my own being if I am ever going to truly get better.  Goal – NO MORE CUTTING.  Goal – GETTING BETTER.

Saturday morning I woke up and wanted to continue the feeling I got from taking photos, so I headed down to DC.  I went to the Butterfly Garden at the Museum of Natural History, something I had been wanting to do.  Of course, going on Memorial Day weekend, probably not the brightest of ideas, it was pretty crowded.  But nonetheless, I had a great time and got some pictures.  Butterflies have always been one of my favorite things to take photos of.  The quote “Just when the catepillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly” I find more and more applicable to my life.  No matter how bad things have been or how bad things sometimes are, there is still beauty in this world.


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