Mentally trying to prepare

12 May

Sitting in my hotel room in Philadelphia trying to mentally prepare for tomorrow. Not trying to over think it but at the same time the feeling of loss is quite strong, even now.

The first mothers day after mom passed I traveled back to California just a month after being there to bury her. Figured if my mom was in California that is where I belonged on Mothers Day. It was a rough time. I ended up taking way too much medication, was forced to throw up and then slept for two days. I was not trying to end my life, I was just trying to get the pain to stop.

Last year my Dawn and I went to the zoo in the morning and took photos and then I spent the rest of the day in bed. It was good to get out and do something that I love, I just couldn’t stay “up” the entire day.

In December 2011, I found that a group of friends were doing The Race for the Cure in Philadelphia on Mother’s Day. I signed up. Thought that there was no better way to remember my mom, by participating in an event that helps raise money and awareness for the horrible disease that took her life on Mothers Day, something a little different then the 3-Day in that it is on Mothers Day and is only a 5K.

While I still feel strongly in tomorrow’s event, my anxiety level is pretty high as well. I will leave the hotel at 5:30 tomorrow morning and find my way to the event. Supposed to meet Julie’s Tutu Crew by 6:30am, hope to find everyone without much trouble. Team shirts were made, so I think what I will do with my specially made one is pin it to my bag so that it can still be visible, making sure it is visible will be a priority in the morning.

Last night at Temple I took time when I got there to read thru some of the Kaddish Meditations, they do help me find peace in the words. There are two particular ones that have stuck out the last two times I have been there and read thru them (as I get there early and just sit and reflect).

Give Me Away (Kaddish Yatom)

When I die give what’s left of me away
to children and old men that wait to die.
And if you need to cry,
cry for your brother walking the streets beside you.
And when you need me, put your arms around anyone
and give them what you need to give me.

I want to leave you something,
something better than words or sounds.
Look for me in the people I’ve known or loved,
and if you cannot give me away,
at least let me live in your eyes and not in your mind.

You can love me best by letting hands touch hands,
and by letting go of children that need to be free.
Love doesn’t die, people do.
So, when all that’s left of me is love,
give me away.

And the second one is:

There are stars up above, so far away we only see their light long, long after the star itself is gone. And so it is with people that we loved — their memories keep shining ever brightly though their time with us is done. But the stars that light up the darkest night, these are the lights that guide us. As we live our days, these are the ways we remember.

In loving memory of my beautiful, wonderful, amazing and courageous mother, Zoi Olson

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