Down, up, down, DOWN

7 May

Day started off stressful, company meeting today and everyone was giving stuff for the presentation last-minute.  And everyone needed something, and they needed it immediately.  Reminded one of them that I was only one person.  Company meeting was long, boring at times for sure… had to control the presentation slides and that is always stressful as I can’t read minds as to when whomever is presenting at that time wants to move on, and so I hear my name constantly as if I am not paying attention to go to the next slide, just stressful, can’t really put into words why that was so stressful… think perhaps because it had been such a crazy morning I was already on edge.  Received an email toward the end of our meeting from the corporate office that our print server was down, and so instead of leaving straight from the meeting I had to go back to the office.  Not a huge deal, just was so ready for work to be done.  So went back, fixed the server, and then got ready to leave.

Leaving work I was feeling really anxious.  Can not figure out what my trigger was today.  So as I was leaving work a friend texted to say she was home if I wanted to stop by for a hug.  Fabulous timing, I stopped over, chatted for a while, got to play with her little one, got some hugs and headed home feeling so much less anxious.

Turned onto my street, and immediately was hit with an overwhelming feeling of anger, anxiety, frustration, and other feelings I can’t put words too.  The trigger, the fact that my brother’s jeep had not moved from its spot that it was in when I left for work early this morning.  Why would that set me off?  He was supposed to go to work today.  He had his “first day” last Friday and was to work a 40 hour work week this week and had to do that in the first 4 days this week as he is supposedly going to Philadelphia with me for the walk on Mother’s Day.   I walked in, said nothing to him as he was laying on the couch.  Turned to my father and told him I was taking Sydney for a walk, to which my father replied that he would join me (unusual).  So off we went.  He then proceeded to tell me some bullshit story of what Joey told him as to why he didn’t go in today.  There are many reasons that this frustrates the hell out of me.  Joey has not worked in 10 months, NOR, has he made any effort to look for a job.  Stupidly my father and I have been paying his car payment, phone payment, car insurance and student loans.

I am so close to sending Joey a text and telling him that I if he wants to go to Philadelphia this weekend for the walk then he can find his own way up there.  I do not want to spend the time in the car with him.  I don’t want to stay in a hotel room with him.  I don’t even want to look at him.  He asked me to register him to do this event after he found out I was doing it and it was in Philly.  His motivation was that he was going to get to go see friends up in Philly.  It had nothing to do with walking on Mother’s Day in support of this horrible disease that took OUR MOM’S LIFE!!!

I am having such a hard time with Mother’s Day approaching.  Every time someone says something about Mother’s Day or when I get emails about it, it is almost like nails on a chalkboard.  While I would never want someone to NOT celebrate Mother’s Day and while I hope to one day celebrate it with my own child, it is just a hard year.  I don’t know why it is affecting me more this year than last.  I am just having a really hard time.

As I sit here and type this my father just came upstairs and asked me to help move the bed that is in my dad’s bedroom into Joey’s room, as Joey sold his mattress this weekend (no idea what he did with the money).  Dad knocked on Joey’s door and Joey told him he didn’t want to do it right now.  Really, what the heck?!?!  My father makes a trip up the stairs (which is getting harder for him), is ready to give up HIS BED for my brother and then will get another bed for himself sometime (dad sleeps on the couch right now anyways).  And what does my brother do, tell him he doesn’t want to do it right now.  REALLY, cause he is busy?!?!?!?

I have taken a double dose of anxiety medication and am hoping they kick in soon as I am totally on edge and trying to do breathing exercises and other things to keep my mind busy are NOT working.  So want to take pain medicine…. haven’t.  Am bleeding however and yet that is not helping.

So frustrated.

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