The past ~ never forgotten

9 Apr

I find this quote from the poet Dante so true in my life from time to time, right now I am feeling that it is one of those times “In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path.”

Like anyone, there are times when something happens that sparks a memory from the past.  Sometimes we are blessed with good memories, sometimes they are memories that you so badly wish you could forget.  The fact remains, the past will always be there, we can’t change it.  While we can try to learn and move forward from it, it sometimes still leaves the question in our own minds as to what it is we were to learn from it even years later, question why it had to happen, etc.  Today I am having one of those types of days. 

The month of April is designated as “National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month”.  This sparks memories of things in my past only known by a few, and some never spoken of.  Perhaps by actually writing about it I will possibly gain some sort of peace by getting it out, perhaps not.  Who knows.  I have 4 instances in my past that still haunt me from time to time.

1.  I had neighbors growing up that were like grandparents to my brother and I.  They lived diagonally from the back of our house, we could just hop the fence and go in through their backyard.  I spent more time there then my brother as I was younger and sometimes needed to be cared for when my parents were out and Joey was busy.  I remember one day going over there to say goodbye as I was leaving for Greece with my mom the next day and wanted to see them again.  Evelyn wasn’t home but Ed was… I was wearing a shirt that had a pocket near the breast and he put money it in and fondled my breast a bit and told me to have a good time and to never say what he just did.  For the past 23 years I have not told a soul. 

2.  When I was a young teenager, I was molested in the CHURCH parking lot by a member of the church.  I did end up telling my youth group leader, which then eventually got to the minister, the police, etc.  The guy was already on probation for doing similar things to his daughter, so he ended back in prison then as of today he is at the Department of Corrections in Richmond Virginia (at least that is where I think he is).  I have never written his name and try not to speak it, but it is Louis W Boockhof.  I sometimes think I “see” him when I am out.  Someone will look like him or sound like him and I will internally freak out.  Not because I think he will seek revenge on me for his incarceration, and not really that I think he could hurt me again, it is just the thought of him that scares the living crap out of me sometimes. 

3.   There was the time when I was working at Merrit Acadamy (in the day care) and they were having an event.  A friend was working the event and asked if I could go pick up her husband since he didn’t have a car and it was a family sort of event and their kids were there at the school.  So I went to pick him up, tried calling from the parking lot, he didn’t answer, so I went to the door.  He answered, said to come in he wasn’t quite ready.  So I did go in, and the next thing I remember is he having me pinned up against the door and touching me and trying to kiss me and get in my pants etc.  I could not escape.  I could not get away.  And to make things worse I still had to take him to the school, and I had to put on a face like everything was okay.  After much thought I told his wife what happened, she didn’t believe me, she took his side, to make matters worse she made it so that I lost my job as well.  I kinda get why I don’t talk about things, who would believe me anyways.

4.   I guess now we fast forward to being 20 and dating this guy I had met at a friend’s party.  He picked me up one night and we were driving around and then he parked in a dark parking lot.  Things went too far, I said no, but didn’t stop.  We never spoke again after that night.  A month later I found out I was pregnant.  A few weeks after that, I miscarried.  That’s really all I have to say about that.


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