What was I thinking…

6 Apr

So even after Monday night’s disappointment with the ex, I still had my heart opened up that things could change and we could make our relationship work.  Tuesday night she asked if I wanted to do something on Saturday.  This may not sound like a huge deal, but for the last 5 months, it was always I who suggested getting together, she not once had.  She did previously, just not in the last several months.  I found myself getting very excited about the fact that I was going to spend time with her and that she actually brought it up.  Well… I should not have let myself get excited, heck I should not have reopened my heart, but I did both.  Last night the message was clear, she didn’t know if she could do something Saturday, she had a lot of stuff she needed to work on (did I mention she has been off work all week for spring break, really, can’t spend a few hours together on Saturday?!?!)

So instead of bottling up my feelings, I told her how I felt.  I told her that I felt I was the LEAST important thing to her, that even her other friends and rec softball.  That she was the one that suggesting getting together, that I felt as though I was some in “holding” pattern with her.  Her response was that she is pretty busy with things through the end of May.  My response was, does that mean you will want to be together in May?  Her response, I don’t know what I want.  OKAY, DONE, GOT IT.  How stupid could I be?

So I was crying last night and was pretty upset.  I happen to be at my TDM’s house for the weekend to watch the dogs as they left this morning for NY.  While she was out last night I sent her a text telling her that things were now over for good with my ex.  When she got home she came into my room and said 2 things.  1.  I didn’t know you were back with her (oops, I didn’t tell her).  2.  I like her even LESS for leading you to believe there could be something and then slamming the door again.  Not that I want anyone to necessarily be on my side but it was nice to hear what I did.  I felt support and that was a nice feeling.  I also received a text of support from a friend who I told about it as well.  It was nice to know I wasn’t alone, that there are people that care about me.

So where do I go from here?  Hmmm, well I will be cautious with opening my heart anytime soon.  I know that is horrible to say, but having your heart chewed and spit out is indeed a horrible feeling as well.  I will continue to work on myself, as I do know that is what I need to do.  Life does go on and I think I am ready for the journey.

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