Not a bitch

4 Apr

I learned from my therapist yesterday that I am not really a bitch.  Where I thought of myself being a bitch she told me those were actually “feelings” I was having and that it was actually okay to be “feeling” what I was. 

So let me start from the beginning, well for this blog at least.  My ex wanted to try to get back together and work things out.  I agreed we could give it a try, afterall I am still in love with her.  Well she is on spring break this week and on Monday I went the entire day without hearing from her.  Finally at 8:30pm I sent a text saying “Hope you are okay, have a goodnight”.  She wrote back a little later and said she was fine, she was out with Linda all day and didn’t think to text (Linda is a mutual friend of ours).  Well, that sort of sent me into a tail spin of emotions.  I was angry, upset, hurt, etc.  I wrote back and just said “ok, have a goodnight”.  An hour or so later after I was already half asleep she texted to ask about Sydney, she knew about the surgery and how nervous I had been about it, yet didn’t hear from her all day.  I ignored the text.  So as I went to bed that night I felt as though I was a bitch for being angry, upset, hurt, etc. 

I talked to my therapist about this on Tuesday morning.  She said, that wasn’t being a bitch, it was me FEELING.  She went on to tell me that it was probably new to me to “feel” again as I had been masking it so long by taking the pain medication.  I would take the pain medication and not have to feel, neither feel positive or negative, it was a win win in my book.  So here I am 41 days clean and learning to feel.  I have to say I am not thrilled with how I felt on Monday night or Tuesday for that matter.  I was pleased however to hear that I was not a bitch (at least not in this instance). 

So as I continue on this quest to discover myself, I feel like a child again learning something new (or again).  Learning how to feel and deal with emotions without the use of medication.  I am still on my anxiety medication, and suspect I will be on those for awhile as I don’t want to end up back in the hospital for a panic attack.  But no more medication to mask FEELINGS. 

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