Working on yourself…

2 Apr

Drug addiction.  I am a recovering addict.  My last day of using was February 23rd.  I was addicted to pain medication (many different ones).  I have been on it numerous times due to surgeries, etc, however, I realized long ago it also helped me to not feel emotionally.  I liked that.  I didn’t have to feel, I could just mask the internal pain with medication.  No one knew about it, I was able to function normally and no one ever questioned if I was “on something”.  I would say this went on for the better part of 8+ years.  I either obtained medication from surgeries, or from my mom’s stash, or even through other means.  There has never been a time I didn’t have access to it. 

 I would try to come off of it at times, I did well for a little while, but the withdrawl symptoms would get bad and I would turn back to it.  Or I would get through the withdrawl period and be okay for a month or so and then something with trigger emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with as I didn’t understand this “feeling” aspect of life and so I would go back to using again.  These past 30+ days of being clean have NOT been easy.  There does not go a long time where I don’t think about using.  How I wish I could go back to not being able to feel.  I somehow think it would be easier.  It certainly felt good at the time, albeit not right, it still felt good.

Its not just the physical pain that the medication helped, and I do have a lot of that with having 10 knee surgeries.  It took away the emotional pain, it took away the pain of losing my mom, or at least made it more tolerable to deal with at the time and on and off the last two years.  While I “hope” that this time is for good, I can’t promise to myself that it will be, as I don’t keep promises that I don’t know 100% that I can’t keep.

For now I have reached my 30 day mark and I will count that as a blessing.

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